Mess and Indulge within a heavy heart

Devoted to the shining hope

She was just another boring reserve course student, and I was her lucky bastard.  

The tragic day had ended as fast as it began, I laid awake upon my cozy dormitory bed. I couldn't really just sleep, someone was keeping me up. All I can really do is think, and allow whatever to happen. I must ask myself if I can truly sleep? All I can think about is her. I tossed and turned, my pale and bony hands clung onto the pillow and held it close to my chest, my grasp upon the soft object tighten. I shut my eyes tight, forcing myself to sleep, or at least silence all thoughts. My efforts failed, but they led me to the motivation to try harder next time. I failed still, and the thoughts of her haunted me. 

I truly don't deserve to have been given the opportunity to have ever gazed upon her, but to have talked to her was merely a blessing from lady luck.  The morning started my day off so terribly, the glory of hope has proven itself to me once again. Through the despair of my bad luck, the beauty of hope was planted and blossomed, it blossomed when my eyes met hers. I swear these feelings, they can't be romantic at all, she's in the reserve course.  She took some test, and her parents paid for the rest, no matter what hard work those students put they can't beat natural talent they can't be compared to the ultimate talent that shines within my own classroom, but I can't even compete or be compared to them. I don't deserve the title of 'Ultimate lucky student' my talent is practically non-existent, if anything I'm more comparable to those reserve course students. I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to be surrounded by such talent but yet I remain here. It's just like them. It must be such an infuriating scene for my classmates, for them to look upon such filth as myself. I'm a nobody surrounded by such ultimate symbols of hope,  I'm just like her.  We're nobodies, nobodies who don't deserve to be here at all. She and I are just talentless nobodies who were given a chance, we were given hope.

 Half of the blanket was wrapped around my skinny thigh, the rest was barely covering my torso and the pillow that I held within my arms. I may as well just recollect my memories of the day, I might have the pleasure of ending this horrid night with a pleasant memory. Even though she was in the reserve course if I had to assign her a talent. I'd say the ultimate serenity. I loosened my grasp around the pillow, and relaxed as the memories of the day began flooding back.  The morning started terribly. The class was chaos once again, it's amusing but hard to catch a break with such colourful personalities and shining talents. I am truly blessed to be able to bathe in such grace and glittery hope, though the bad luck I encounter throughout a normal school day is very justified after all, I'm trash. The only good luck gifted to me was the peace of tonight, though it's painfully lonely with all this loud silence. My dull eyes remained close and memories of meeting her arrived. 

The sun was set, the sky painted orange it gave a feeling of freedom. It was a reminder that the school day was over, I know that others would feel better since they're not forced to sit around scum like myself! It's a more comforting feeling to know they're not forced to be around, I don't deserve to be with such amazing symbols of glimmering hope. My head was filled with thoughts, I was just walking. I didn't realise anything, I got lost in my own thoughts so what happened was all my fault. Once I was able to come back to reality after a walk with my head in storm clouds, my eyes saw someone. She was so captivating until I saw her uniform. It was just some reserve course student, someone lower than myself. It was definitely the bad luck of my cycle showing. I looked around to discover, I was standing at the opening of the fountain. It must've been some string of twisted luck that brought me here to tease with a reserve course student. I just stood there, I don't know why but I just stood there. My eyes just stared at her, why did she capture my gaze?! Why she that grabs my attention? She's just some talentless nobody, like me in a way. She sat on the bench by the fountain, the orange sky made beautiful lighting upon her. She just looked so elegant. Her eyes moved from the ground to look upon scum like myself, she looked confused. What was she expecting? I suppose it would be awkward for someone to just stare at you. It was just I was caught in the moment, I couldn't speak. She spoke instead, she just sounded as confused as I. 

"Uh...can I help you?" I couldn't really tell what emotion was on her face, it was a jumbled picture of confused and probably angry expressions. Her tone sounded off, but it could just be I overthinking. Still, it's better to be cautious. I know my worthless self would probably just infuriate those who are forced to in my presence. She just must be tired of being surrounded by talentless losers like herself, then for some worthless scum to come and gawk at her like some freakshow display. She was awaiting an answer. The utter nonsense that came out of my mouth, was filth but will truth in a sense.

"What help can some reserve course student offer? You could help yourself instead and know your place," I gave her such harsh and cold words, it is the truth though and talentless nobodies should know their place. They're the people who are meant to shine the light upon the hope, upon the talent here. They're not meant to meddle or try and be a co-star, just the stagehand. I turned away from the girl, I didn't see her reaction. Though I hope this would be our last encounter, something within me wants to see her again. Some sickening feeling wants to be lost in gaze once more. After I left, I just went back to my dorm to try and finish this horrid day. 

So here I am, just laying in my bed a few hours after meeting her. I still can't stop thinking about her, she should've been out of my mind by now right?! I just want to sleep now, I just want to forget and rest in the tranquillity that is sleep.  My eyes were shut and after a while. I could finally sleep.  I finally could rest, as dreams took over my body eased the tension and made for a peaceful nights sleep.