The Art of Pretending

Chapter One

Blair POV.

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   I have a feeling I'm going to die. A thought no one should wake up to, but I did. My alarm had gone off for school twenty minutes ago, but I continued to lay on my bed looking up at my ceiling. Bored, tired, thinking of the feeling. I have a feeling I'm going to die.

   I thought, if I died right now, right this very second, would I be ok with it? And the answer is yes, I would, and that's the sad truth. I live a life, a fake life. One filled with pretending. One that I'm tired of, one that made me have no problem with dying.

Would I have any regrets if I died? And my answer would be no. I wouldn't have any regrets. And that's an issue to me. I know my issue should be that I'm fine with dying, but it wasn't. My issue was that I wouldn't have any regrets.

   And I know what you're thinking. That this girl is a crazy nut job. Doesn't everyone want to die with no regrets? But this is my thought process, my life is so boring, I wouldn't have any regrets if I died. I live such a boring life. I go to school, I work my ass off, I go home, work more. And what's the point? What's the point of repeating the same day over and over, and hating it.

   All my life I have done everything my dad wanted, everything and anything anyone ever wanted, but nothing I wanted. My dad wants me to get straight A's, I have straight A's. He wants me to stay home, I do. I was a beautiful robot with a beating numb heart.

   Maybe I should fall in love. I laughed at my own thought. Yea, right. Me and falling in love equals not a chance.

   Don't get me wrong I do believe in love. I see couples all the time, kissing and holding hands.

   I see a boy looking at a girl. He looks at her like she's the most interesting thing in the world. He looks at her like she is his world. When she looks up to him and catches him staring, he doesn't look away or even try to hide it. He just smiles. He's in love with her. I see a blushing girl sucking in a breath and holding it, now nervous and looking down. She's falling in love with him.

   See my problem isn't that I don't believe in love, because I do. I just can't fall in love. And I'm fine with that, I don't want to fall in love.

I've had many boyfriends. Some had fallen in love with me, others just wanted sex. And I was fine with that. I like sex. They can use me for sex and I'll use them. I've slept with 3 guys. The first one was a guy was my best friend, who I ended up dating.

  I loved him, and I thought loving someone was close enough to being in love with someone. But it wasn't good enough for him, so he broke up with me. And it's not like the guys I date don't know what they are getting into. I have a reputation I guess. Being called the ice princess. They know that I haven't fell in love, and that I most definitely won't fall in love with them.

But like most guys, they want to be the one to slay the dragon, do the impossible. So they try, and I let them. It's like a game to them, a fucked up game. They can't hate me for playing a game as much as them.

   I've loved one man my whole life. The man who was supposed to love me no matter what, my father. I've loved one man and he broke me and my trust. I did believe he did love me, to some extent. Every parent loves their kid in some sense. Mine was just too broken to love me the way I needed. Because of him, I can't look at a boy and have my heart beat a little faster. Or hold my breath for a little longer.

***

   I missed my first day of school, due to my whole I'm gonna die and my life is boring thing. That was my last first day of high school, since I'm a senior. I spent the whole day self loathing myself and my life, then I went to the mall and bought everything I needed to start my new plan.

   Operation: mix things up. I'm not stupid, I was blessed by being a beautiful girl and I know that. I look into a mirror, staring at the blue eyed girl. I never put on makeup and had always had my hair tied up in a tight ponytail. But today I tried something new, with the stuff I bought at the mall, I had natural makeup on. My blonde hair was down in waves, reaching the middle of my back.

   My once long uniform skirt rolled up, and my white collared shirt unbuttoned one more button than it should be. I usually wear a sports bra to make my boobs seem smaller than they were, but now they seemed huge with the normal bra I was wearing. The fact that this shirt was a size smaller than it should be also helped.

   I was beautiful before, don't get me wrong. I had many guys attention, and I'm not doing this for them but I am for me. I wasn't going for a pretty look anymore, I wanted to be hot. And I was. "Blair Knight, you are a goddess." I say to myself puckering my lips. I grab my backpack and car keys and jump into my convertible Audi.

   It was one of the many gift my father has given me. It was his way for making it ok for him being gone and for the abuse all the time. It used to bother me, him not being home. I used to argue with him about it all the time. It went like this....

   "Why do you hate me" I said this to him one of the times he's slapped me. He was drunk and I had told me to go upstairs, but I didn't listen.

   "I don't" was his only reply.

   "You're always gone and I'm always alone" I cried.

   "I buy you all these nice things all the time, and you just complain, you're an ungrateful brat" the next day I got the car. Some people are born to be parent, while others aren't. My dad wasn't made to be a father. It was never a problem because I had my mom.

   She was the mom everyone wanted, I was an only child but the house was always full. My mom would always have her sisters over meaning all their kids would be there too. I had a great childhood. I played outside with the neighbors, I was very loved. But then she passed away four years ago, I was thirteen and she was sick. My aunts would try to come over after but my dad didn't want to see them. So I didn't get to see them.

   Then my dad was sad, and drunk all the time. This past year had changed though, he had gotten a girlfriend and things had gotten better. He was still gone all the time, but that was to go see her since she lived an hour away.

   His reasoning for her not being able to come to our house and him always having to be gone, was that she has kids and can't leave them. That's when I started to hate my dad. She couldn't leave her kids, but he could leave me.

***

   I pull up to my private school and park. I see my two best friends leaning against their cars. Natalie and Kate. I hadn't told them of my plan yet. I knew Kate would lecture me about it, she lectures me on anything she can.

   "Holy hell." Natalie said as I walked towards them.

   "You're boobs are out" Kate looked me up and down with a disapproving look.

   "I know isn't it great" that was Natalie again. She beamed at me and moved her finger as to tell me to do a twirl, so I did. "She looks hot" she said to Kate, then looked at me again. "You look hot."

    "Thanks" I laughed, "I was going for a secretary that fucks her boss kind of look". Natalie and Kate were also wearing our school uniform. Natalie's looking more like mine, whereas Kates was a lot more conservative.

   "Damn, let me hire you as my secretary then" Natalie laughed swinging her arm over my shoulder.

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