Dance Through Trauma

April 15, 2021

I strongly don't like how a few people a few months ago made fun of a post I made about my interest in Anne Frank on Instagram. What's funny about liking a writer whose life ended tragically during the Holocaust? I thought most people believed in morality, so why do these people continue to disrespect others despite their belief in morality? I don't live my life by morality, but it doesn't mean that I will hurt others as I limit myself from doing cruel things. I like to believe that morality is just another illusion that we see, but again, it does not mean that I like to hurt others or that I can. It's just not in my nature to harm anyone in any way, but people who believe in morality still continue to break their own rules? Isn't making fun of an innocent girl who perished in a concentration camp during the Second World War unethical? There's nothing funny about how she died, how she lived, and who she was. Not only Anne Frank, but anyone else shouldn't deserve such disrespect. This is why humanity continues to have wars! People are too busy judging the art of others rather than their own. Unfortunately, I believe that we are far from being a peaceful civilization as evil continues to run our world. Just today, I was worried about people judging my books unfairly. Anything negative is automatically unfair to me. But, I told myself not to worry because humans will be humans. It's in their flawed nature to be rude to others. This is why I don't even bother to check on anyone whether they're strangers or friends. I have lost trust in people because I continue to be hurt by them. I would love to have friends who have a full-positive aura, but friends like that are very rare. I'm agnostic, but if I could be friends with angels, I would love to. If they're fully pure, of course! I know it's normal for people to have a little bit of hostility like being angry, but I just don't emotionally react to anything like that in a healthy way. My brain even starts to avoid people who show even a tiny spec of hostility just to protect myself. Yeah, I'm very over-protective of myself, but it's in my nature to do so, especially after all the trauma I've suffered. I know I always see people negatively, but I know that not everyone is like that. I'm just afraid of being hurt again, so I try my best to avoid anything that might hurt me. I don't know how I'm even going to work in the future because it's true, I just can't work with a brain like this. When I'm motivated and positive, I feel like I can do anything including work and I plan my future like it's going to happen when in reality, I can only probably work a few hours a month because of mental illness and side effects from medication like chronic fatigue, which would make it challenging for me to work. I just hope I get approved by the SSA, so that I can receive my SSI (Social Security Income) benefits for being disabled with the inability to work enough hours to support myself financially. I mean, I had very poor attendance at school. Luckily, I finished high school, but do you really think that I can work 8 hours every 5 days a week with a sick brain and chronic fatigue? It's challenging to brush my teeth because of fatigue, so how will I even work if it's hard for me to do something as simple as that? It's even worse when my bipolar depression hits because depression and chronic fatigue together means that I have to walk through a very-hot desert without water for years, figuratively. That's how I feel when I have to do simple, small things. A second for me can feel like a century, if I'm doing something. A few hours of work a month sounds like something that I may be able to do, but I can't work a part-time job, let alone a full-time job. For now, I will have to depend on the government and my parents for financial support. I just hope that letter from the SSA that I received was a mistake especially since today I had an interview over the phone about my application. I really need the help so I can finally live alone. My parents aren't going to be on this Earth forever, so it's good for me to live on my own as soon as I can. Plus, they deserve a long break away from me. They've dealt with enough of my mental health problems already. They deserve some peace and rest once I can live alone and hopefully, I recover in the future and gain the ability to work full-time, so that I can finally be independent. I know work can be stressful for people, but having to work 5 days a week on a full-time schedule seems fun. There's something about doing things that makes me feel motivated. I would love to have a job, a house, my own things, and independence. But for now, that dream won't come true due to the monsters in my head. Everything is going to be alright soon, though. I just have to keep the faith that things will indeed get better, and then my desired days will come. Like I've said before, I've decided to enjoy my life, so I must follow my decision and try my best to push away any words of death to fulfill my decision. In fact, this decision is a promise to myself. So, I promise to myself that I will never commit suicide no matter what. Okay, that was hard to write. I just feel that someday there will be absolutely nothing left for me to do in life, so suicide would be an option, but I have to promise myself that I will never do it unless it's necessary and what I mean by that is that I will only commit suicide if I'm already going to die anyway like if I'm kidnapped by someone who plans to torture me, then the better choice would be to die through suicide than suffer to die. But, I can only commit suicide in a situation like that. So, let me say this: I promise that I will never commit suicide unless it is necessary. I can not break this promise no matter what. Okay, done now. I made a promise to myself that I better not break. I trust myself though despite my trust issues, so I think I've got this. I think I'll always be strong enough to stay alive, so that I can experience more of life. It's not that death is scary, but because you only get to experience life once, at least from what humanity knows. If we do reincarnate, then that would be cool because we get to experience life again. I just realized that life isn't the problem, it's the people around us. Life is beautiful, but it's society that makes it hard for us to enjoy. If I were to reincarnate, I hope it occurs on another planet because human society from Earth has been hard enough on me. I can't imagine going through a lot of pain again if I'm reborn into a human being. Plus, it would be interesting to experience another place of the universe instead of the same place. The longer you know this world, the longer it bores. Even if reincarnation would be an interesting thing, I would rather not exist anymore after my death. I kind of wish to see what people would react to my death like my family, but I also kind of want to completely vanish out of existence. I mean, I don't mind having my art live on forever. I think what I have created so far isn't only beneficial for me, but it can also benefit others out there. If I could see that I helped out even one person in this entire universe with my art, I would be happy. When I say art, I mean my writing, photography, and anything else that I have created. I've always been a person who likes to make sure that others are happy because of my trauma. I don't want anyone else to suffer like I did, so I always try my best to make sure everyone is proud of living. Even though I've been trying my best not to even care about anyone else because of my unhealthy empathy, it's just impossible for me not to even care about the well-being of others. It's a good trait to have anyway because this is how humanity will reach the highest point we can reach despite my disappointment with ourselves. I just try hard to get rid of this trait because I don't want to be hurt, that's why. Empathy can be good, but bad. What I mean by that is that empathy can help us understand others, but bad because it can be painful, which I don't like, and empathy is my strongest human trait, so it can be hard to be human.

- April 15, 2021