Kung Sana'y Akin Lamang

Umpisa

Alone

"Are you coming already, Siege?" Pinipilit ko pa rin na magtunog mahinahon kahit nais ko ng ibato ang hawak na telepono ngayon.

He tod me he misses me. And this day is special for us. Kaya nga nagpareserve kami ng dinner ngayon dito sa restaurant na ito. Pero bakit parang hindi na naman yata niya ako sisiputin?

Nagmumukha na akong tanga dito na walang kasama kundi isang bote ng wine na halos kalahati na ang laman and I am so dressed up. Baka malasing pa ako dito sa wine na iniinom ko dahil sa inis. Kanina pa tumutunog ang tiyan ko dahil sobrang dami kong ginawa sa araw na'to pero gusto kong makasabay siyang kumain. That's why I'm waiting even if my stomach is already asking for food.

Pinagtitinginan na ako ng mga tao dito. I know they know me from the magazines, the commercials or even music videos kaya nag-iingat ako sa galaw ko ngayon. I'm a very public figure and they might be wondering why I'm all alone here looking frustrated.

I heard him sigh on the other line. And I know, he'll start to explain..

"I-I can't go there anymore Lisa. Can we cancel it now and resume it tomorrow night? May problema lang akong kailangan ayusin..." halos bulong lang nitong sabi. Ayaw na naman nitong iparinig sa kahit sino na ako ang kausap nito.

But I was right, right? Hindi na naman siya makakapunta. It always boils down to that. Mabibilang lang yata ang mga pagkakataon na sinisipot niya ako sa mga panahong kagaya nito. Mostly, I am always stood up, kagaya ngayon. At nakakapagod nang magalit.. hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi pa rin ako nasanay. I just sighed.

"Well I guess, another ditching again?" Pabiro kong sabi. I laughed a little as if there was humor in what I said basta lang mawala ang mabigat na naman na dumadagan sa dibdib ko ngayon.

Plus many eyes are on me now, they don't really have to see my all-out frustration.

"I'm really sorry... please," He sounded really apologetic but I will never be pleased at times like this.

"It's just that I have some important matter to attend to." He sighed.

"Please, understand.." And now he's frustrated.

Bumigat na naman ang pakiramdam ko dahil ipapaintindi na naman nya sa akin ang isang bagay na hindi ko maintindihan- at matanggap- na laging ako 'yung mas hindi mahalaga. I want to justify the reasons why I always end up like this but I cannot think straight when I'm feeling like this.

No tears should be shed, people are watching Lisa! I screamed to my inner self.

"Kasi Siege, sana tumawag ka man lang kanina para umuwi na lang sana ako..."
Sumbat ko sa kanya sa isang mahinahong tuno.

Urgh, nasasaktan ako ngayon and I badly want to just cry it out dahil malapit na talaga akong mapuno pero kailangang maayos pa rin ang postura at pananalita ko. I can't be on a section of any newspaper again tomorrow!

"Nakaligtaan ko dahil sa pagmamadali eh. I'll make it up to you next time, I promise. Please.."

And he pleads again. I sighed again for the nth time. Hindi nauubos ang next time Siege. Bakit ka ba ganyan? Wala ka ba talagang pakialam? I wanna tell him that but I can't now, I'm starting to feel drained, pagod na akong masyado para manumbat.

"Uhm, is it in your office? Is there a problem in the company?" Pag-iiba ko ng usapan.

I wonder again why he can't attend to me now. I hope it's acceptable to be more important than me.