Stop In The Name Of Pants by Louise Rennison

Deep in the forest of red-bottomosity

Saturday July 30th
Camping fiasco
11:30 p.m.

In my tent of shame.
Again.
The rest of my so-called pals are still out in the woods with the lads and I have crept back to the campsite aloney. I can hear snoring from Miss Wilson's tent and also herr kamyer's. I bet there will be a deputation of voles coming along shortly to complain that they can't get any sleep because of the racket.

11:32 p.m.
I'm going to forget about everything and just go to sleep in my lovely sleeping bag. On the lovely soft ground. Not. it's like sleeping on an ironing board. And I do know what that is like actually.

11:33 p.m.
I said coming this school camping trip would be a fiasco of a sham and I was not wrong.

11:34 p.m.
I was right

11:35 p.m.
I wonder what the others were doing?

11:36 p.m.
Anyway, the main thing is that I am now, officially, the girlfriend of a luuurve God. And therefore I have put my red bottom behind me with s firm hand. I will never again be found wandering lonely as a clud into the cakeshop of luuurve. Or picking up some other eclair or tart or fondant fancy. Ditto Eccles cakes and spotty dick or ... shut up, brain.

11:37 p.m.
So, speaking as the official girlfriend of a luuurve God who has put my red bottom behind me with a firm hand and who will never be wandering around looking for extra cakes, can someone tell me this ...
How in the name of God's pantyhose have I ended up snogging Dave the laugh? Also known as Dave the Tart.

Two minutes later
Oh goddy god god. And let us face facts. it wasn't just a matey type snog. You now, not a - "it's all right mate, I'm just a mate accidentally snogging another mate"- sort of snog.
It was, frankly and to get to the point and not beat around the whatsit, a "phwoooaar" snogging situation.

Thirty seconds later
In fact, it was deffo number four and about to be number five.

Four seconds later
Anyway, shut up, brain, I must think. Now is not the time for a rambling trip to ramble land. Now is the time to put my foot down with a firm hand and stop snogging my not-boyfriend Dave the Laugh.

One minute later
I mean, I am practically married to Marsimo the luuurve God.

Ten seconds later
Well, give or take him actually asking me to marry him.

Five seconds later
And the fact that he has gone off to pizza-a-gogo land on holiday and left me here in Marrie but dangerous England to fend for myself. Being made to go on stupid school camping trips with madmen (Miss Wilson and Herr Kamyer). He has left me here, wandering around defenceless in the wilderness near ramsgate, miles away from the nearest TopShop.

Three seconds later
And now can I help it if Dave the Laugh burrows into my tent? Because that is more or less what happened. That is le fact. I was snuggling down under some big of old raincoat (or sleeping bag, as Jas would say in her annoying oooh isn't it fun outdoors sort of way). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I was snuggling down earlier tonight after an action-packed day of newt drawing when where there was a tap-tap-tapping on the side of the tent. I thought it might been an owl attack but it was Dave the Laugh and his barmy Army (Tom, Declan, Sven and Edward) enticing us into their tent with promises of snacks and light entertainment.

Four seconds later
I blame Dave entirely for this. He and I are just mates and I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend and that is that, end of story. Not. Because then he comes to the countryside looking for me and waving his horn about. We were frolicking around in the lads' tent, and Dave and me went off for an innocent walk in the woods. You know, like old matey-type mates do. But then I put my foot down a bloody badger hole or something and fell backwards into the river. Anyway, Dave was laughing like a loon for a bit before he reached down and put his arms around me to lift me up the riverbank and I said, "I think I may have broken my bottom." And he was really smiling and he said, " oh bugger it, it has to be done." And he snogged me. When he stopped I pushed him backwards and looked at him. I was giving him my worst look. He said "what?" I said, "You know what. Don't just say 'what' like that." "Like what?" I said, enormous dignitosity, "Look, you enticed me with your shenanigans and, erm, puckering stuff." He said, "Erm, I think you will find that you agreed to come to my tent in the middle of the night to steal me from my girlfriend." I said "It was you that snogged me." He looked me and then sighed. " Yeah I know, I don't feel very good about this. I'm so ... well, you're used to it." My head nearly exploded. " I'm USED to what ??" He looked quite angry, which felt horrible. I'd seen him angry with me before and I didn't usually like what he had to say he went on: "You started all this sounding the Horn business ages ago, using me like a decoy duck and then going out with Robbie, then messing about with me then going out with Marsimo. And then telling me that you felt mixed up." I just looked at him. I felt a bit weepy actually. I might as well be wet at both ends. My eyes filled with tears and I blinked them away and he just keep on looking at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Maybe he had had enough of me and he really hated me. Then he just walked away and I was left alone. Alone to face the dark woods of my shamenosity and the tutting of baby Jesus.

Ten seconds later
And I didn't even know which way the tent was. The trees looked scary and there was all sorts of snuffling going on. Maybe it was rouge pigs. Pigs who had enough of farm life. fed up with just bits of old potato peelings to eat and nowhere to poo privacy. Maybe these ones wanted a change of menu and had made a bid for freedom by scaling the pigpen fence late at night. Or perhaps they were like the prisoners of war in that old film that Vati's always rambling on about. The Great Escape. When the prisoners dug a tunnel under the prison fence. That's what these pigs must have done. Tunnelled out of the farm to freedom. There was more snuffling. Yes, but now they were hungry. Runaways from the farm just waiting to pounce on some food. If they found me, they would think of me like I thought of them. As some chops in a skirt. In sopping knickers was on the other foot. I could climb up a tree. could they climb trees? Could I climb trees? Oh God, not death by pig!!! The scuffling got nearer and then a little black thing scampered out of the undergrowth. It was a vole. How much noise can one stupid little mousey thing make? A LOT is the answer. I should make friends with it really, because with my luck I will be kidnapped by voles and raised as one of their own. On the plus side, I would never have to face the shame of my red-bottimosity, just spend my years digging and licking my fur and all alonely on my owney. Like I am now. Dave appeared out of the darkness in front of me. I ran over to him and burst into tears. He put his arm around me. "OK, Kittykat, I'm sorry. Come on, it's right. Stop blubbing. Your nose will get all swollen up and you'll collapse under the weight of your nungas and I can't carry all of you home." It was nice in the forest now. I could see the moon through the trees. And my hiccups had almost gone. As we walked along he smiled at me and stroked my hair. oooh, he was nice. He said, " We haven't done this luuurve business before, so we are bound to be crap at it. I do feel bad about Emma, but that is not your fault. That is my fault. we can put away our Horns and be matey-type mates again. come on. cheer up be nasty to me again, it's more normal. I like you and I always have and I always will." I sniffed a bit and gave him a brave, quivering but attractive smile. I kept my nostrils fully under control so that they didn't spread all over my face. As we walked along I could hear little squelching noises coming from the knicker department. With a bit of luck you couldn't hear it above the noise of rustling voles (also known as my nearly adopted family). Dave said, "Is that your pants squelching, Gee? You should change them when we get back. You don't want to get pneumonia of the bum-oley on top of everything else." We walked back through the trees in the light of the jolly old big shiny yellow thing, and no, I do not mean an illuminated banana had just appeared, although that would have been good. Then everything went horrible again; there were some hideous noises coming from the left of us ... " Tom, Tom. over here. I think I've found an owl dropping." Oh brilliant- Jas, wild woman of the forest, was in the vicinity. Dave took his arm away from my shoulder. I looked up at him, he looked down at me and bent over and kissed me on my mouth really gently. "Ah well, the end of the line, Kittykat. You go off with your Italian lesbian boyfriend and see how it goes and I'll try and be a good mate to you. Don't tell me too much about you and him because I won't like it - but other than that, let's keep the accidental outburst of red - bottomosity to ourselves." I smiled at him. " Dave, I ..." "Yes?" "I think I can feel something moving in my undercrackers."

Midnight
And that is when I scampered off back to loony headquarters. That is, our school campsite. To change my nick-nacks.

Ten Past Midnight
I said to Baby Jesus, "I know I have done wrong and I am sorry times million, but at least you have been kind enough not to send a plague of tadpoles into my pantaloonies."