Spoken Words

Mad World

I've spent 10 years of my life screaming and cutting my wrists in the bathroom. I had no reason to eat, no reason to be happy, I had no reason to live. No purpose in myself, not even a single reason to wake up the next morning. My life has always been trash. No one cared for me, in other words I was always the odd one out. Karma always caught me as if it was playing a game of death tag. I would come home every day and slam my door to my room, secluding myself from the outside world. I ditch school to get away from bullies, I hide under the bridges to get away from policemen and Gangs. If only I could hide from myself, my inner soul that has been takin over by the devil. Every day I wake up thinking that I'm going to die. I would sometimes run out onto the busiest highways to get run over. I have been hit by the side mirror of a car, it hurt so bad, but I was glad because I thought that I would never ever get to wake up and face my bullies, gangs, and policemen. I've searched the web to look at various suicide pictures. Now my mind is flooded with negativity and total violence. Even though I hide from bullies and gangs, I wish that I would just man up and let them handle my death, but it would be the absolute accomplishment to kill myself. I don't want to live anymore, life is so confusing and just so negative. I used to be the happiest boy alive. I loved playing outside with my friends, going to the park, riding on swings, swinging on the tires, I used to be the happiest person alive. I had tons of amazing friends until the very first day that I got bullied by what I thought were my two bests friends. We would always play tag, do football and soccer, we used to play on the same baseball team. All of us did track and field together, we would have tons of sleepovers at each others houses on almost every single weekend. We even went on various camping trips together with our family. We were all straight A students and often got surprise party's to celebrate our accomplishments. Everyone knew my family, and everyone knew theirs. In other words, we were very close friends. So close that you could say it was a brother-sister relationship. We looked out for each other. But that ALL ended on August 3rd, 2014, the best day of the year, my birthday. They had told me that they had a very special surprise for me. They took me to the only vacant bathroom at our school that no one ever used since 2001. Their hands wrapped around my head as they blind folded me with one scarf, and used the other one to handcuff my hands behind my back. A song echoed in the tiny bathroom:Sia Breathe Me. My head tightened and I was starting to worry about what was going to happen to me. I heard five very distinctive words, " Kneel on your knees Jax." Knowing that it was just a birthday surprise, my knees bent and hit the floor. I felt a very painful baseball bat strike my stomach. My head flew back against the wall. Then another hard blow hit me, then another, then another. This repeated for over two hours. My head kept banging on the bathroom walls until blood appeared. "Oh and one more thing for you Jax," I felt a severe hit on my face. "Crapy birthday for you jock!" Then they left the bathroom. I heard a loud door slam shut and a wooden baseball bat shatter on the hard ground.