Sincerely, Mady.

8

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I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I mean, I'm not sad, but I'm not exactly happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but sometimes when I'm alone at night I forget how to feel.

That's how I feel right now, even though Jack is asleep right next to me. It's three in the morning and I'm somehow lonely even though my love interest has his arms wrapped around me.

I'm thinking about everything that happened tonight. Damen hurt me; slapped me when I was most vulnerable. Forced me to kiss him-- I'm terrified now to be alone. Even awake by myself at this point because I'm so sad I want to just either away. I know it gets better, but how does it get better when the guy that you loved four years ago does that to you.

What if Jack does love me, but said he wasn't implying it because I told him I don't believe in love. It was a lie, to be honest. I believe in love, I'm just terrified to love because I don't want to hurt like that ever again. I want to be able to fall deeply in love with Jack, but it's like my subconscious is making me say no. I want to fight her off, make her go away, but it's like it's one of those things you just can't do.

I stare at Jack-- his eyes closed and his breathing soft. How does one look so beautiful when they sleep? I look like a hot mess when I do. I take my fingers and rub his cheek softly, "I'm so glad you came into my life." I whisper and tear escaping my eye.

"I'm glad I did too." Jack mumbled.

"Wait... You've been awake?" I whispered.

"I was awake the moment you out your hand on my cheek." He smiled.

"Oh." I frowned.

"Why are you still awake?" He asked concerned.

"I-" I sighed. "Thinking about everything."

"Everything?"

"Damen, me, you-- us." I looked up at him.

"Damen doesn't matter. You mean everything to me. I'm never going anywhere. And us-- were perfectly fine." He kissed my cheek.

"But what if he tried again?" I ask Jack nearly sobbing.

"Then I will just beat his ass then," Jack said. "No one is ever going to hurt you."

"Can I admit something?" I asked ignoring his comment.

"Anytime." He said with curiosity in his voice.

"When I said I don't believe in love or relationships, I lied." I said. "I lied because I'm terrified of hurting like that again."

"I can assure you I'm not Damen, I will never ever be Damen or like him. I care about you too much. I want to help you heal." He said brushing some hair behind my ear.

"I'm already healing. Surely but slowly." I smiled kissing him on the lips softly.

"I'm glad you're, because I'm falling for you completely, my love." He kissed me again.

How does he do this to me? Open me up, make me want to tell him everything and give him all of me. I'm falling head over heels for this boy, but I'm still holding myself back from love. For now.

I'm just not ready right now.