Fill the silence | Itafushi

Explain

TW: self-harm scars and mention, mentions of abuse, mentions of rape.

One year and eight months before the day

Megumi's POV

I stood there looking at the boy sitting on the couch in front of me. He hasn't taken his eyes of the ground for a second...

I hate how bad I am in this situations. Am I angry because he kept this a secret from me?
Am I relieved because nothing bad as happened even tho?
Am I sad because I feel betrayed?

No. This time I know what I'm feeling.

I'm scared.
I'm so scared of losing him...

"Itadori..." I start, even if I have no ideia what to say, I needed to break this silence.

"I'm sorry" he whispers "I lied to you Fushiguro, and I get it if you want to leave..."

I let a sigh escape my lips, running a hand through my hair

"I won't leave, I already told you that." a close my eyes "I'm just... scared"

I can't see his reaction since my eyes are closed. I grab my wrist out of habit but quickly let go of it as he speaks.

"Of what?" he asks again, this time a little louder

"Of losing you" I can't believe I'm admitting this...
I'm so weak

Why am I making this about myself!?
He's the one that is in pain. He's the one that needs help. So why the hell am I being like this?!

"Fushiguro... I...don't be scared... " I finally open my eyes to see a tear running down his cheek.

"How? How can I not be scared after knowing you are going on dates with the guy that raped you!?" he seemed to flinch a little because of what I said.

Why am I feeling so angry at myself right now!? I know why. I promised I would protect him and now I just found out he has been seeing the person I needed to protect him from.

I'm so fucking useless.

How didn't I even noticed this? How could I've been so blind?

"Did he threatened Junpei again? Is that why you went out with him right? Because you wanted to protect your friend?" I ask, my hands are shaking slightly.

"You... You shouldn't get involved in this Megumi..."

All my movements stop after hearing those words. The only sound in the room is our breathing and I swear I can hear my heart beat.

He's kidding right?

"Are you serious?" I ask, now letting a little bit of my anger show

He gets up from the couch and finally looks at me. His eyes were filled with tears and his expression was completely neutral. 

As if he wanted to hide his emotions again. As if the barrier that took me so long to destroy had risen again and I was looking at the unknown boy from the train.

"I'm serious Megumi..."

I continue to look at him...Trying to see through the small cracks in his mask like the tears running down his cheeks or his closed fists. 

"Why?" I hesitated.

This time it was me who was looking at the floor, afraid that if I was looking at him after hearing the answer I would not be able to control my anger.

But the answer never came. It was silent for what felt like ages before I spoke again.

"I care too much about you Yuji! I can't jus-"

"Don't do that to yourself..." he interrupts me.

That was it. My head shots up as I looked him in the eyes.

"Don't do that to myself? Are you serious? You have no idea what I've been doing to myself for the past years!"

He looks at me with a startled look.  Probably because this is the first time I have raised my voice but I can't keep silent. Not now. Not after everything. 

"Look at me Yuji, do you think anything is okay with me!? Why do you think I wear long sleeves on hot days? Okay, yeah, it could be because I felt cold even tho it's hot or something like that, but instead it's because my arms are full of scars and cuts that I made to myself because it's the only way to make me minimally stable when I'm having a panic attack thanks to my fucking messed up childhood!"

I take a deep breath... I feel like a huge weight has been released from my chest where only an emptiness has been left...my vision is blurred thanks to the tears that I didn't even notice that had accumulated in my eyes. 

I hate this.

"And now..." I continue this time lowering my voice "now you're telling me that I shouldn't get involved because I would get hurt?" I take a deep breath "I've been hurting my whole life, but you... You made that pain less noticiable. You made that pain go away even if just for the few hours we were hanging out together or even for the few seconds you were smiling at me..."

Our eyes meet again, in the middle of so many tears...

"So don't you dare tell me to ignore your pain because I will never be able to do that."

He lowers his head and uses his sleeve to wipe away tears. 

I do the same with my shirt sleeve and head over to my boyfriend who kept his head down. 

"I'm sorry..."  he whispers again

"Look at me Yuji" he shook his head negatively "please..."

he gave a little sob before lifting his head and looking me in the eyes.

I felt relief run through my body when I saw that he had left the act and was now letting me see his true emotions

"I'm sorry too..." I say calmly pressing our foreheads together "I just...I need you to be honest with me from now on... Please..."

I still don't understand everything about the situation but what I do understand is that both of us are much more broken than we thought. 

"Y-you too..." I nod

"I'll also be honest with you..." he nods before laying his head on my shoulder and hugging me with immense strength. 

I hug him back, running my hands through his hair in a loving gesture.

"Itadori..." He doesn't take his head off my shoulder but nods slightly to indicate that he's listening to me. 

"No matter what happens...we will always be together right?" he did not answer. 

~~~

The day

"At the time, I took his silence as a sign of agreement. But the truth is that I should have made him promise that he would not leave me... Just as I promised him..."