Not Another Love

Chapter 9: The Hospital

The hospital if you think about it is probably the most depressing place in the world. Its where sick people, dying people go to get help. Its probably also the place hold onto the most known deaths. Think about how many people that die in hospitals everyday. I know that's not good to think of when your boyfriend or whatever he even is anymore is in the hospital. They said he would get better. He needs to stop doing drugs obviously. They are curios as to where he is getting it from but he hasn't said a word. I sit inside alone while he sleeps. Its silent so quite you could hear a pin drop. I feel so alone when hes not really living anymore. His body is boiling and they have been giving him ice baths. All affects of the overdose on cocaine. They say that if this ever happens again he might not live. His body wasn't full developed enough for this strong of a drug. They suggested he should go to rehab. But rehab is just not for Carson I don't understand he was never a bad person and he would never do all these things especially the Carson I knew. He just needed therapy someone to talk to. I was always here and it saddens me he hadn't come to me to talk. Instead he went to that other girl that skank. I wasn't even sure what I was going to do yet. How I was going to fix this. Should I even try or is it already to broken to many pieces to put back together. I just feel bad leaving at such a bad time in his life. We've been through so much through so much together but nothing like this. Nothing like his almost dying and me being completely helpless. I wish I could have done something. I should have seen the signs. Signs of depression. Should I have asked him more about his life how he was doing. He always acted like nothing mattered like he was so strong. But deep down inside he's just this fragile little butterfly in a snow storm. He's freezing up from the snow and can't find his way home so he's given up. Given up on living.

He flutter's his eyelashes and I lung towards him. I just stare at him for awhile. Those hazel eyes staring back into mine. So much has happened in the last couple days I don't even have any words. My throat is dry and my mind goes blank. All I can do is stare into his eyes and think about how messed up my life really is. Well how messed up both of our lives really are.

" I'm sorry for whatever I did" says Carson

" you don't remember anything?" I ask

" nope not really."

"not even that girl" I practically choke over my own words.

" what girl?" he's so Innocent its crazy.

" you cheated on me Carson." I try to sound calm but his eyes go wide.

"I did why?"

" Carson you overdosed on cocaine." I almost laughed at the fact h didn't remember anything.

" So what do you remember?" I ask

" I remember going to the beach and surfing with you then I remember leaving and I woke up in the middle of the night and it was dark and I was alone. I remember the cocaine but not much." says Carson.

" you left me alone to wake up on the beach alone not knowing if your boyfriend is okay kind of sucks you know." I can't hold the tears back they start dripping down my face.

" Cole you know I didn't mean to hurt you that's why I left. I left so you wouldn't have to see me like this."

" Carson why did you do this to yourself are you depressed do you need to talk."

"it's just my sister she alway's thinks she knows best for me when really she doesn't. She knew about the cocaine and told me to stop but I couldn't it made me forget things, things I didn't wat to remember. "

" But at the same time Carson your forgetting some of the important stuff too." I reply

" l'll never forget you if that what your worrying about." he whispers under his breath " I still love you"

How can I possibly love someone so much when they have done bad to me disrespected me in more ways than one. How is this unbearable feeling still here when it shouldn't be. It possessing me love is taking over my body and i'm okay with it but shouldn't be.

He lifts up his head and takes his hands and runs it over the side of my cheek. I close my eyes

" Carson where to we go from here?"

" we dont have to go fast, we can take it slow." he suggests

" should we really take it at all" our conversations is basically all whispers.

" what do you mean don't you still love me?" yells Carson

" I do but should I.."

He leans in to kiss me but I turn my head and go to the door. I can't have this I can't let this take over me I have to be in control in control of my feelings. I can't let the devil take over apart of me. I can't be with someone who won't love me at times who will cheat on me and then just forget everything in the morning. I leave I go out to the parking lot and when i'm driving home tears are coverign the surface of my eyes and I can barley see. If this is really what love feels like then why does everyone yearn for this why to people die for this.