50 Thoughts That Scare Me (Rewrite)

Chapter 7- I Wanted Everyone To Live Happily

When I was younger, more specifically, when I was diagnosed, I would witness my parents crying. They would fight, I've mentioned this before. Some days were worse than others, some days were better than others. I can vividly remember my mom's tear-stained face, pale traces of dried tears under her eyes. I can imagine my dad's reddening, rapidly aging and wrinkled face with stress. Though, the stress that weighed my parents down it seem like they were aging faster, the days dragged along slowly, and to me time was frozen. 

I was a little boy in a big world, lost and scared. I was open to so many possibilities, I never knew one of those possibilities was that I had a chance of having cancer a such a young age. I was curious when I was younger, and I am even now. The world is filled with mysteries, many of them which I may not live to discover. But you know, anything is possible. 

I sat on a log in the middle of the woods located right behind my house. Other than the closest public park, this was my favorite place. I was surrounded by nature, and everything was peaceful. I like to sit high up in the trees, recalling and having flashbacks of previous events in my life. Like I am right now, on this log. 

I remember the day I came home with my report card from the 3rd marking quarter, when I was in 7th grade. I was terrified of what was going to happen to me, I had failed 3 whole classes. But I managed to pass Music Appreciation, Spanish, and I barely passed History. I tried my hardest, but I still failed, and now I was going to be skinned alive by my parents. When I got home, my parents took a look at my report card with anger and disappointment. My dad told me that I would never pass, I was stupid and hadn't tried. My mom told me she was scared for my future, because I never put forth effort. They yelled insults towards my intelligence, they didn't understand me at all. I tried, I tried my hardest! But apparently trying my hardest wasn't hard enough.

My parents were oblivious to my depression, so without them even knowing, they made it worse. I felt worthless, I was making jokes through-out my life to make everyone happy. I wanted everyone to laugh and live happily, so they wouldn't have to face the emotions and thoughts that tear me apart everyday. Though, every day I wished someone would understand.

I sighed and looked around me, even now without my father I'm weighed down with depression, even without him I feel worthless.

I looked around the isolated area I was in, and just then I realized my life was more meaningless than I had determined before. I did nothing to please myself, I wallowed in my own self-pity, and there was no highlight to my life. Its like cancer drained the soul right out of my body. Now what? What do I live for now? To die...

I stood up, anger ranking through my body, I was tired of feeling like this! But god dammit, I couldn't help it. I was trapped in a transparent box, drowning in toxic mysterious liquid. I kicked the log I was once sitting on, just to feel like an idiot afterward. I hissed and bent down to cradle my foot, I hope it isn't broken.

I limped back to the house, my mom went out to run errands, so I was all alone. I felt no different, I was still empty, I was still alone, and I still couldn't help my emotions. I sat down, I was feeling dizzy and I'm pretty sure I was going to pass out. I didn't understand, for the first time, I was confused. Not because of the cancer, but what has my life become? Where I only live to be drugged up and be a cancer patient. I lived like the cancer was taking over and it wasn't fair. My mom was suffering, have I told her I love her lately? I guess not...

Tears were welling up in my eyes, I needed more in my life. I wanted to take chances, I wanted to live on the edge. I already face the possibility of death everyday, but I just want more. I need more, I crave the feeling of adventure and rebel behavior.

"Frank, are you okay?" My mom set the grocery bags on the counter and walked toward me. I started to softly laugh, "I'm fine," I smiled and paused,"Mom, I love you." She looked at me with worry and curiosity, "why don't you take a walk, clear your mind." She suggested with a smile.

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I kicked up rocks as I walked, I chewed on my lip, I ignored the random anxiety I was facing at the moment. I just watched the clouds in the sky, I watched the trees sway back and fourth, the kids playing hide n go seek on the play ground.

I was going to sit on my usual wary and old bench, but I preferred to stand. Hands shoved in my hoodie pocket, my heart rate was through the damn roof, I was just nervous for some reason. I was lost in thought, I just needed to leave. I was scared, of everything.

Before I could comprehend my own actions, they were already happening, gaining stares from people. I began to shake uncontrollably, I couldn't calm down, I was on the verge of crying, and then it hit me, it was a panic attack.

"Dude are you okay?" Someone asked.

No response.

I couldn't speak, my eyes just shot around the area, looking at people. Then something odd happened. I saw this guy, he was sitting on this hill in the grass, I couldn't see his face or anything, my vision was blurred, but then it stopped. I stopped shaking, I was breathing normally, and I felt okay. "I uh, fine, I'm fine." I reassured everyone who was watching.

I started to walk toward the hill, but then the guy stood up, holding some type of book in his hands and walked away. I don't know why, but he intrigued me. I wanted to know more, hell, I needed to know more.

Maybe I'm scared of myself.

I didn't know much of anything, but at that moment, a random thought popped into my head. I knew I had to go back to public schooling. 

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50 Thoughts That Scare Me, Frank Iero (CancerBoy) -

1. I'm scared of routines.

2. I'm scared of the pills/ drugs.

3. I'm scared of everything- anxiety. 

4. I'm scared of myself.