?ᴡʜʏ ʏᴏᴜ¿

Taking the computer and then sitting on the chair in front of the table
I am in my room
At 2 am
With the computer on over the wooden table
My hands are sweating
My heart is beating as if it wants to go out and mine head just tells me one thing "DO IT"

Opening my inbox to write the beginning of something ...?
Or maybe even the end

I'm sweating, so much
Too much,
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing
And if you're only going to ruin myself ...?

My hands are moving
They are writing...

ᴀɴᴏᴍʏᴍᴏᴜs,ᴀᴘʀɪʟ ****,02:00 ᴀᴍ

I've always wondered what I like about you

your hands with your long thin fingers?

your thin lips?

your perfectly sculpted physique?

your right hand tattoo?

or the tattoo on the neck?

or even the one on the arm?

your hair soft and always perfectly placed?

your voice so deep it makes me shiver?

I don't know

I don't know what i like about you

I only know that if only my father mentions you in a speech
I blush

if I watch your video of any inauguration
I start to sweat

And then i wonder

Why do you make me feel this...?

Why I had to fall in love with a 25 year old boy
Full of money
Tatooed
with full body piercings

And then me

a 23-year-old boy who lives a "very normal" life

Normal?

It is normal to be criticized just because I like guys
Just because I like my same sex
To be afraid of meeting new people because you might be insulted

Why doesn't everyone accept me like you?

Cuz i don't have designer clothes?
Cuz i don't have a high level agency? Cuz I am not a millionaire?

Why?

But you know what?
I hate you

I hate you so much I love you

But you will never understand what i feel

What I felt when you were the first and last time in my house because you had to talk to my father

But...

You did not deign to look at me

When I opened the door you walked in without even saying a simple hello or even looking at me
Let me meet those dark eyes and then get lost in your eyes

It hurts so much

I know you very well
But you don't even know my name

I know you exist
You don't know about me

I hate you
But you feel nothing for me

I love you
But you don't

Do you think what i feel?

no

I suck myself

Nobody wants me

Nobody love me

Unlike you

...

I hate myself for being that

I hate myself for loving you

But i do it anyways

Do you know how many times I've tried to hate you?
Do you know how many times my heart has tried to hate you?
The times I cried in the room because it was hard to do

The nights when I said to myself "enough, I don't love you anymore" and after the next morning everything started all the same

It is useless for me to love you

But I'll still do it until my heart finally hates you

You can't imagine the times my mom slapped me because of you

The times my brother yelled at me because of you

That time in college they saw your picture on my lock screen

The girls started teasing me and throwing buckets of hot water on me while I ate

The boys started kicking and punching me

What's the point of all this

I hate myself

People hate me too

what's the point of being here

Tomorrow I leave for Seoul

Nobody knows

And it is better this way

I will get away from everything and everyone

But you don't care

yes

I love you 

But

I hate you Kim Taehyung

ᴀɴᴏɴʏᴍᴏᴜs ᴊᴊᴋ
bye

                              ~ ~ ~

I don't give why I wrote this ... but I had to give vent to what I feel ... this was the only way to do it