Dance Through Trauma

April 23, 2021

Yesterday morning, I received my first dose of the Moderna vaccine against COVID-19 along with my mother. Everything turned out fine. We just have pain around the arm where we received the injection. Hours later, we went home and spent some time in the living room with my siblings, which is when my sadness began. What triggered my mood was my mom's little-anger through her response to my behavior when I threw a toy block somewhere in the living room. I threw it out of boredom because throwing things just helps me cope with it. I'm not mad at my mom as I love her as a mother, but I feel as if I lost the person I trusted the most in this world because of her natural response. She didn't like the fact that I threw a toy around the living room since it almost hit something connected to the TV, which could've been damaged, so I understand. My mother is very kind, and supportive, and it's normal for humans to be a little mad at some things with reason, so I do not blame my mom. However, my brain felt betrayed at the moment. She's the person I trust most in this world, and when she got mad (even though it was fair), I felt sadness and anger. I went to my room and stayed in bed for hours, in the dark. I kept telling myself in my head that I've lost faith in humanity because I lost my trust with the person I trust most. My mom came to my room several times to hear about how I was feeling, but I gave her the silent treatment because I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. My brother Damian was with me since he likes to follow me a lot, but I ignored him as well. I was so mad with the world because of how I've been treated here. I remembered the bullies from my past, and everyone who did me wrong. You seriously have to be the devil on this planet in order to survive because if you're pure as an angel, you will not survive. Everyday, I lose my trust with the world. How do I expect to recover from PTSD when I live in a world full of madness? I was already considering suicide, but I kept telling myself not to break my promise, which was to never commit suicide. Why shouldn't I break this promise? That's only because I still have a tiny bit of hope inside of me, but it shrinks everyday. I don't want to lose it because if I lose that hope, I lose me, but if it happens, it happens. As I continued in bed feeling so much anger against the world, my mom came to my room, and I told her that I wouldn't eat anymore, so that I could die out of starvation because there's no point of living. I told myself that I can't break the promise, but during this moment, I just wasn't sure anymore. My mom tried to help me and finally got to take me to the kitchen and served me cereal since that's what I wanted. You could clearly see how sad I looked, if you were there. I ate the cereal while thinking about how there's so much hate in this world, and how so many innocent people die in the hands of evil. Still, I told myself just to wait for better days to come. I acknowledge that it's the illness that makes me see the world the way I see it. While what my traumatized brain thinks is true, I still want to see the world with content just like my true self, Xander. I want to see the world with peace or well, nothingness. My life would be the way I want it to be, and I could rest easy. I'm still far from that day though, and I would love to receive more treatment for PTSD, but I don't have medical insurance right now, and my mom can't pay for my treatment. I did apply for adult Medicare back in February, but my application is still in the process of being completed and reviewed. I received some papers from Medicare that I had to fill out and return, but it's still unknown whether I'll get the help or not, but I should be getting it since I am disabled. For now, I have to suffer more until I can finally start looking for better treatment for this illness because I am tired of living like this. Well, actually, I don't have to suffer longer! I just remembered that the mental health clinic that I go to is giving free appointments to their clients since they have fundings, so I will take advantage of that! I could've received therapy for my PTSD much sooner at the clinic, but I wasn't sure if we were going to move back to Georgia or not, so I didn't want to start therapy and then all of the sudden move to Georgia while I'm in the middle of treatment. It wouldn't be good, but my mom plans to stay in Missouri for now, even though she still has a few thoughts about moving back to Georgia. And plus, I have no motivation to do almost anything these days, so I just don't have the motivation to make an appointment to see a therapist. I'll let my mom know about this and get help from her with making an appointment with a therapist. Still, I doubt my PTSD will ever go away unless there's a cure or something close to a cure, but I do believe that it can improve. Even if it improves, I still wouldn't want to interact with people because I prefer to be alone than to have friends as I feel more at peace that way. I like to be independent, and having friends would make me dependent on them in some way, which would make me vulnerable to more emotional pain, and I can't let the trauma come back.

- April 23, 2021