𝗘𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗹

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 6

FLASHBACK

1 year ago

It's been a month since Javier left me. I don't blame him, he didn't have a choice. But even if he did, I don't think he would stay. No one stays for me.

I've lost interest in things that once I loved. I know depression engulfed me like an unforgiving wave. I couldn't ignore it. Depression is knocking me over and over again.

Everyday I try to get out of this grip depression has on me, but just like the ocean it comes back, I can't get out of this exhausting cycle. It convinces me that I don't deserve to be happy, to be loved and have a purpose in life. And I belive it. I let this thoughts take over me.

It becomes comfortable after a while, it becomes safe. The emptiness and nothingness became my best friends. I don't belive this will ever end. I'm so used that maybe it isn't that bad.

Eventually this thoughts are the only things I hear. I give up. I cry. I scream. But nothing takes away the pain that lives constantly inside my chest.

And maybe thats why I never got help, I fell in love with the pain because it made me feel something even if it was just for a few moments.

While sitting in a corner at the cafe near my house reading a book, a boy with black hair, grey eyes, sharp jawline and pink lips, sits in front of me. I don't question him. I don't have strength to talk to anyone. My mind is so consumed by my thoughts that I feel uneble to speak.

"A pretty girl like you shouldn't be alone here" he says while I read. I just nod my head.

"What's your name?" he asks.

"Sorry, I can't just give my name to strangers"

"Well, let's change that. I'm Blake."

"Aurora" I say annoyed not in the mood to talk. But I don't really think he got that as he continue to talk.

"Aurora, what about we play 20 questions? I want to know you."

"What about you leave me alone?" I answer.

"No can do. What's your favorite color and why?"

He's hot but annoying... says my subconscious.

"Black" I answer.

"Why?" He asks me, curiosity in his tone.

"Because it's the colour of darkness. Many people see it as scary or something to run away from. It's often associated with death, cruality, pain and violence. But I think, although it holds pain and darkness, it also holds courage and survivel. The dark brings comfort and fear, it depends who looks at it." I answer in hopes he would leave me.

"Mine is blue. It is associated with open spaces, freedom, intuition, imagination, expansiveness, inspiration, and sensitivity. But it also represents meanings of depth, trust, loyalty, sincerity, wisdom, confidence, stability, faith, heaven, and intelligence."

We talked for hours until it was time to close the cafe. I laughed and smiled for the first time since my best friend left. I felt better. Content.

flashback over

That day I resurfaced, gasping for air.

When I realized I couldn't tread the water by myself anymore, he was there for me. He gave me a hand, he helped me. One call and he was there for me. He let me cry on his shoulder and listened the problems I've never told anyone before.

I allowed myself to get attached to him. To express my feelings like I've never before. Without feeling any guilt or shame.

He made me realized that I deserved love and that I had a purpose. When he left me, what hurted the most was the fact that he knew I was drowing and he was the only thing that kept me at the surface.

He knew that hurting someones feelings is as easy as throwing a rock in the ocean, but we never know how deep it goes. The words he said the night he left, were the rocks. What he didn't realized is how deep that rocks had gone and in how many pieces my heart was left.

The waves that once I thought had left, came again. And once again I was drowning, but this time no one was there to help me.

It was then that I realized that I can't depend on someone to help me scape the waves, I first needed myself.

People are temporary, they won't be there when you need the most, the only one to help you is yourself.

But the problem is I loved him after everything he did to me, and I think I always will. And I hate myself for loving him.

I've killed my own happiness the moment I loved someone more than myself.

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