Dance Through Trauma

April 26, 2021

I'm a ghost in this world, waiting to leave. I may be alive physically, but I'm dead spiritually. Can my heart stop beating? It has to stop beating because my time is done. My eighteen years of miserable living must come to an end. I'm surviving without living because there's no joy in my life. Everyday, I feel my soul fade away. Why is the process so slow? My world may be peaceful, but it's so boring. There's nothing left to enjoy because I've already enjoyed everything. So, what can I do now? How do I continue to breathe without suffering? I honestly can't believe that I even thought for a second that being in love with someone would make my life sparkle but that would mean depending on someone, which is unhealthy for me! I don't want to waste my energy on people who will end up leaving me like every guy I've ever loved did. True love is rare, but self love isn't. So, I don't need someone to make my life happy when I have myself. I've lost complete hope in romance because it just doesn't happen with me. I rather spend my energy into something that is guaranteed instead of wasting it. I don't need a partner to make my life spark. I need to do something that is really worth doing and make sure that I live happily or else, I will eventually get too far into my darkest thoughts, and I have to avoid that as much as possible. Oh look at me now, feeling better. I just need to find out what I can do to make my life more interesting instead of boring. I think I need an alternative to a party because I keep thinking about being as happy as one would in a party. I want to dance, sing, and scream out joy. I want to actually live! So, what can I do? Should I just find out how to go to an actual party? Well, no. If I could go to a party, I would feel uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people because I would fear being hurt by them. I need something in my life that doesn't involve people. I mean, if I found someone funny, outstanding, and full of kindness, then why not spend time with them? As long as they don't trigger my PTSD, I would be fine. It's rare to find those kinds of people though because there is so much selfishness in the world. Whatever, I'm not worried about that. I need to do some research and see what I can do because everyday, I am one step closer to death. Life needs confetti falling from the sky, not rain. Otherwise, I drown from the floods! Oh, and another way to describe my boring life, my life is like tasting the same apple everyday. I need a new apple to taste to spice things up. Tasting the same apple everyday makes it less enjoyable to eat as the tongue has already experienced the taste several times, so it's better to try out a different kind of apple! There are many varieties of apples out there, so why not try out a new one when it's out there waiting to be tasted! To clarify, the tongue in this scenario would be my brain. My brain needs something new to enjoy in order to gain some happy boosts! So, I will focus on finding a new apple so that life gets better, and I'm talking about the apple metaphorically, not literally! Also, I've been thinking about how I want my life to be super exciting every single second, but I tell myself that it is only my bored brain craving for fun. I don't need so much fun in my life to enjoy it because that's not what life for any human being is like to begin with. I just need to find things that make me happy, not too happy. If I start desiring to have a life full of adventures that will spark intense happiness all the time, I will become very depressed. I just need to be happy, that's all. Everything needs the right balance to it in order to work because too little or too much of something is usually not going to give us what we want.

- April 26, 2021