Day one, how many days will this last? I walk through the trees of the forest, the leaves crunching beneath my feet. The cold air whips past my face, causing it to go red and numb. I follow the prints that are imbedded in the frozen ground, leading me towards my prey.
"Haloi?" I call out into the forest, my prominent cursive accent shining through my words.
No one replies, I start to cry, my tears freezing on my face. I peel off the icicles on my face, licking them until melting point and then slurping down the salty water.
Shlurp
That will sustain me for at least another two days! Who needs water anyway?
I unsheathe my scimitar, named dandruff, and start to slice at the vines and leaves blocking my path. Finally, after making my way through the forest, I am met with a mountain.
Hmm, how does one go about climbing a mountain?
...
Got it!
I grab a rabbit's carcass and tie about two hundred cow's small intestines around it's neck, making it a mile long. This took me the short time of eighteen hours. Finally, after finishing the 'rope' I grab the rabbit corpse and throw it towards a rock at the top of the mountain. It wraps itself around the rock, creating a stable grip for me to climb the rocky surface.
After giving the intestines a small tug, checking my grip, I start to ascend the mountain. I use the sticking-out jagged rocks for grip, putting my feet onto each individual rock.
Okay, I'm about half way! Not long to go...although, I'm getting sort of hungry...
I smile at myself, thinking of the perfect idea. I wrap my wrist, a few times, around the intestine, making sure my grip is good. I then take a bite into part of the intestine that I'm not holding onto.
MmMm, how divine. I really am dining in luxuries!
I finish my mouthful, swallowing the lovely cow intestine, and continue my way up the mountain. My body starts to get sore, with my hands developing callouses.
Oh well, guess the only way is down!
With that being thought, I grin and let go of the intestine and rocks, plummeting towards the floor. My blubber protects most of my fall damage, -although I think I heard a crack, I'll check that out later though- my skull sinking into the warm fat that surrounds me head.
Le Gasp
My head is now all dirty! My poor balding head! I usually use wax to keep the bald spots shiny but now it's greasy and dirty. I pat the remaining tufts of hair on my head, in attempt to flatten them down, but they just poof back up. My monobrow points downwards into a frown, the stubble on my chin gathering together and getting more thick and course towards the centre.
I sigh, rubbing my Schlatt-type mutton chops in defeat.
Alright, let's find a sustainable food source.
Just at that moment, I pause...
What was that noise?
A big crate, made out of fish scales, drops out of the sky. I wander towards it. Clutching the edges of the box, I push the lid open, revealing 10 pig's toes and 10 goat's fingers.
"This'll be enough to keep my stomach full for twenty days, at least!"
I tip the contents of the crate into my backpack and decide that it'd be best for me to walk around the mountain rather than over it. I start to trudge around the edge of the rocks, coming across some sort of mud pit. I roll up the bottom of my trousers and start to make my way across it.
Squelch
"Hmm...this has an...interesting...aroma."
I bend down to take a closer look at the mud pit, only to realise it's a big pit of animal feces.
"Oie noie!"
I quickly and hurriedly start to manoeuvre my way through the rest of the...droppings.
Few I've made it to clean land.
-cutely passes out-
