Memory in the Street (Paraiso Series #3)

Kabanata 14

Kabanata 14

Masakit.

Iyon ang nararamdaman ko nung gabing umalis ako sa bahay ni Zhigor. Dinala ko lahat pauwi ang mga gamit ko na naroon sa bahay niya nung kaparehong gabi.

Never in my life I felt crestfallen to the extent that I was walking under the rain even though I still had a fresh wound, not even when my family used to throw ill words to me and disowned me.

Just now.

Ngayon ko pa lang naramdaman ang pighati na kahit may sugat ako ay wala akong pakealam dahil sa nararamdaman ng puso ko. I wanted to scream and curse the world for being unfair. But I know it will never alter everything. It was all on me. I am now taking the toll of what I did in the past.

Mapakla akong natawa habang hawak-hawak ang bote ng alak na ngayo'y nag hahatid sa akin ng kapayapaan sa tuwing nalalasing ako. It's been five days since it happened.

Gusto kong lunurin ang sarili sa alak dahil nakakalimutan ko ang sakit sa tuwing naaalala ko ang malamig na mga mata ni Zhigor nung gabing tumakas ako sa hospital upang makita siya. I wanted to see him that time because I was damn worried he was hurt. Gusto ko na ngang patayin 'yong lalaking tumutok sa kanya ng kutsilyo buti nga't nakapagpigil pa ako. Hindi ko kakayanin kung may mangyaring masama sa kanya. I wanna throttle that fucking scumbag who had the audacity to lay a finger on my beloved!

I will definitely lose my sanity if ever that happens. Hindi ko ginawa ang aking ginawa ng sampung taon para lang mapahamak si Zhigor.

I cried my heart out as soon as I saw the empty bottle of vodka in my hands before I threw it anywhere. I wanted to lash out and threw every bit of things that I would set sight but I do not want to clean a mess whenever I become sober. Gusto kong magwala at makipag-away pero alam kung hindi maganda ang maidudulot nun. Kaya ito ako nilulunod na lang ang sarili sa alak para kahit papaano ay maibsan ang nararamdaman kong sakit at pangungulila.

But honestly, I cannot help asking myself. Karma ko na ba 'to dahil sinuway ko ang mga magulang ko noon? Karma ko na rin ba ito dahil sinaktan ko si Zhigor noon?

Mapakla akong natawa habang may likido na namang dumaloy mula sa mga nata ko.

I just wanted to be free from the cage. I just wanted to fly and taste freedom from the prison cell I so called home. All my life I only wished to have free will and just be truly happy. I wanted to find that happiness that will make me whole again.

Alam niyo kung bakit?

Dahil mula pagkabata ko, hindi ko naranasang maging malaya. Unlike other kids my age before who had have genuine smiles plastered on their faces as they roam around the village, I had to learn a lot of things. I need to be these and those. I had to impress my mother by carrying grace and poise at the same time, I had to make my father proud of my fighting skills.

Siguro kaya ko ang gusto ng tatay ko pero ang gusto ng nanay ko, ang hirap talaga. She or more like the family on her side wanted me to be like a porcelain doll. Some relatives on her side were disgusted of my body built because unlike other girls, I was not that slim. Hindi ako mataba pero brusko ang katawan ko.

Kaya lumayas ako dahil pagod na pagod na akong gampanan ang roles na gusto nilang gawin ko. I felt like I don't even know myself anymore.

Pero sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon matapos akong madismiss sa serbisyo, it's like karma was coming after me because I was an ungrateful child because I left home. Pero gusto ko lang naman kasing maging malaya sa lahat... those painful words... those beatings... gusto ko lang namang mamuhay ng wala ang mga iyon.