Diary of a Self-Harm Victim

The New You?

The first thing you recognize as you come to, is the heart monitor by your side. The second thing is the slight pressure on your arm where bandages are, and on your hand. Looking to the side, you see your boyfriend holding your hand in both of his, and resting his head ontop of your entwined fingers. You know exactly what happened, and you wish you weren't saved yet. You sigh and look at the cieling in thought. Why would he do that if not out of pity?

You lie there for a while in relative silence and wait for him to wake up. When he does, his eyes flutter to yours for a moment before he groans and sits up. But he does a double-take and a sharp inhale when he sees you awake and looking at him.

You watch his eyebrows furrow and eyes turn down to your wrist, sitting still in bandages. You wait for him to talk but he doesnt. He only rubs his thumb on the back of your hand in circles. "Why did you save me?" you whisper. He looks at your face in pain and uncertainty.

"Because i dont want to lose you; i know your parents wouldnt want to either." He looks at the curtain on the other side of your bed."Why did you try to go away in the first place?"

You think his question has an obvious answer, but that of course he wouldnt know that. It was in your mind, not his. You try to put it in the right words in your head before you tell him out loud. "I did it because i didnt want you to go away. I didnt want your pity either." You look down at your lap to sheild your telling eyes from his penetrating gaze. As one rebelious tear falls down your cheek, he wipes it away and kisses you.

Your lip quivers in frustration and he leans back. His concern makes you want to just burst with all the thoughts and emotions and scenarios going through your mind. He cares? You look around the room in desperation to find an outlet. You cant comprehend his reaction, nor can you express your feelings about it.

For a moment, you sort out what's going on inside your head. Confusion --why would he care? Anger --you didnt want to be saved. Fear --what will happen now? Anxiety --what's he thinking? You look to his face searching for any answers you can find. His face only holds one promise: he's going to be here for a while. "Do my parents know i'm here?"

"Yeah, I called them once you were in surgery. When they got here your mom was practically hyperventilating." he whispered. His eyes stayed downcast, watching his thumb caress your hand. Well what am i supposed to do about them? You hadn't planned on even being alive, let alone dealing with your parents' questions and constant problems.

"Where are they now? Why are you the only one here?" you ask him. It came out a lot meaner than you had meant for it to, and his thumb stops moving instantly. Holding your breath, you wait for him to reply.

"The doctor said you could only have one visitor, and someone had to take care of your mom. She's really upset. Your dad wouldn't let her out of his sight. I offered to watch you so they could get some sleep." He drew back his hands until they lie on his lap. You followed suit with your own, staring at the guaze heavily wrapped around your wrist. It felt stiff and scratchy surrounding the numb area below your palm.

"Can you call a nurse or something?" you ask quietly. He looks up at you and mumbles a 'sure' before getting up and reaching behind your bed to push a call button. Returning to his previous seat, he stays silent. A door opens revealing a petite woman clad in pink scrubs. The only tells of her late age were her salt and pepper hair tied back and crows feet around her eyes. She smiled at the two of you as she walked to your bedside.

"Hey there, sugar. My name's Lisa. I'm your head nurse. What's goin' on?" she had her hands tucked in her pockets. You kept still and looked her in the eye as she spoke, the way you were always taught.

"Um, can you give me any more pain killers?" you timidly ask her. She went to the edge of your bed and looked at the clipboard hanging there. You watch her eyes skim the page.

"Sorry, sugar. You cant have any more pain killers for another hour." She walked back to your side and inspected the half-empty drip. "And you're already at the highest dose you're allowed." You almost didnt notice her eyes flash to your new bandages. Annoyance and shame run through you at her pitiful look while she walks away.

~~~~~***~~~~~***~~~~~***~~~~~

"We had to give you twenty stitches. You're lucky you didnt cause worse damage." The doctor sneered. As if he knows anything. "We'll have to hold you for a 72-hour psych evaluation now that you're stable and conscious. Your parents and I have had a talk about treatment options and your...condition. I'll be referring you to a therapist in town once you are released from the hospital."

Great. A shrink is all I need right now. "You said her recovery would be determined by this therapist, correct?" your father asks the doctor. When he gets a nod from the physician he goes on, "Will this therapist have more information about this for us? I mean, we aren't familiar with this sort of thing at all. It's the first we've ever heard of our daughter being associated with this kind of thing."

"Oh yes, Dr. Robinson is trained well in these cases," These cases? I'm right here... "She can deal with this the right way." The doctor made annoying gestures as he talked. You have the urge to slap at his hands, and exclaim that you are right in front of these people. You can hear their every word and see their facial expressions of digust, fear, embarassment.

The only person in the room not paying attention is your boyfriend. He's just sitting in a chair by the window with one hand in a fist against his lips. Maybe he's biting his knuckle like he used to when he was worried. All the words fade from the rude physician's mouth and your underbearing parents as you stare into the eyes of the one person who makes you a fraction of a percent happy in this otherwise dismal life.

When he stares back your heart melts and your eyes tear up. How could I let him feel like this? "Can you leave please?" A suddent silence falls as everyone in the room turns to you. "I'm tired and i'd like to rest now...without you jabbering away as if i'm not in front of you." Your doctor starts to usher out with your parents in tow. Before your boyfriend gets all the way up, you tell him to stay.

Your mother looks back before shutting the door. You look at your lap and let tears shuffle down your cheeks. Your boyfriend walks to you and wraps his arms around your shoulders. Your quiet sniffles turn into choked sobs as you cling to him in desperation. He picks you up lightly and moves you sideways a bit so he can sit on the bed too.

Your head falls to his chest as he reclines and pulls you tighter to him. You fall asleep in his arms that night.