Not my fault,My fate

Chapter Four

Theme: Suicide Thoughts

    🙂 TANIA'S POV🙂

  It was the weekend and we were all at home having our family dinner,dad took me to my new school for registration the day after we moved in so I'd be starting tomorrow.

   As we ate and talked about my new school, Dad started to stare at me and then he pushed a box of medications towards me.

     "Your pills, princess" Dad said.

"I already took them".

Of course I didn't take them,I don't want to. You might be wondering why I'm taking medications. Well its for my illness.....I'm very sick at the moment,remember when I had several injuries after the accident few years ago,well complications arose.

   A year ago,I started to have seizure,fever and I lost weight drastically. I didn't tell my parents about this symptoms and just kept it all to myself cos I didn't want to disturb their busy schedule, besides I thought I was reacting to my new school or something else I couldn't lay my hands on.

    Until that day,I lost it__I felt weak and nauseous, I couldn't hold up any more ,then I started bleeding from my nose and gum,it was so serious, that I passed out.

    When the test results at the hospital came out,I was diagnosed with Leukaemia-a blood cancer,it was caused by the rise in the number of white blood cells in my body. I was already in stage 2,I wasn't paying much attention to the early signs of the first age.

   My parents were really worried and sought for many ways that I could stay alive. I went for checkups, the medical oncologist prescribed pills that I'd use to suppress and boost my body's natural defense against the disease. The doctor talked about 'splenectomy',it was a surgery where they had to remove my spleen filled with cancer cells. The survival rate of the surgery was low,few people survived it.

    My parents disposed the idea of surgery because they were scared of the odds,I have been sticking to taking my medications regularly since then.

    In the last few months, things haven't been going well for me, I've been struggling mentally and emotionally, the incident of my twin's death still gives me sleepless night. Coupled with all of these,like it's not enough__i have cancer. Its like I have no purpose in life and the elements just want to get rid of me quickly like they did with my sister.

    I've been having suicide thoughts lately,why do I need to take pills and stay healthy when I'm already as good as dead? Why did all of this happen to me? Why did death have to take Tonia instead of me? My grades are zero......I'm not even close to handling books,its like something is wrong somewhere.

    I feel so empty inside and its not my fault or probably it is. So far,I haven't found a reason to stay alive,taking pills is a waste of time. I flush the pills down the drain whenever mum and dad reminds me to take it. All I have to do is be patient and let the blood cancer do its work.

   "That's good of you honey,taking your drugs before we even tell you is the smart thing to do" Mum said as she pats me on the back.

   " Your new school awaits princess,I know you'll love it" Dad said.

    "I hope I don't" I said rolling my eyes as I bit into the turkey on my plate.

👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣👣

      Grrrrrrrr grrrrrr!!!!

I woke up to the sound of my bugging alarm,I turned it off with annoyance and turned to resume back to my slumber,but then I remembered 'school',aarghh I hate that name! Can't I skip the first day of school ceremony and sleep to my hearts content,well well I don't want to hear my dad's nagging today so I got out of bed.

   I took my shower, slipped in a blue tank top and a dungrees with a pair of short heel boots. I pack my blonde hair into a ponytail, put my gloss on and took my backpack, as I was to get downstairs__I ran back to my drawer to wear the one thing that keeps my confidence together-the twin sister bracelet,I slipped it on my wrist and smiled at the picture of my sister and I on my shelf.

   I went downstairs to meet Dad who was preparing for work and also going to take me to school. Mum already left for work, she leaves very early and comes late at night,i barely see her during weekdays.

    "Good morning Dad"

  "Good morning, my princess" Dad said as he kissed my forehead.

    "Are you ready Dad cos I am"

   "Of course I'm ready,I just need to get......my car keys" Dad said rambling round the house.

   "Here you go......" I gave him the car keys that was inside the fruit bowl on the dining table.

   "Thanks Princess,you are a lifesaver...... Let's go".