DISTURBED || Contest Entries... albeit false

There, There || #BraveTogether

I'm home from work early. I pace the apartment, passing by each and every succulent, bouquet, and bush of leaves we have growing in here. Some days I'm so very thankful we got an apartment with a window, letting brilliant sunlight in, but other days I feel as though... I don't deserve it. I don't deserve this tranquil, wonderful life with you. What have I done to deserve this? 

What have I done to deserve this? 

It eats up at me to ask myself over and over, but it's out of my control. I've tried, time and time again, to block it out, to tell myself otherwise, but it keeps on coming back. The more I try, the worse it hurts. 

The thought is suspended the moment the door swings open and you step inside. You hastily take off your shoes, then set down your bag before I can offer to help. (I know you can do it on your own anyhow, you're very strong.) 

You turn back to me. I swear I can feel my face heating up. Your smile is gentle, amiable, a blessing I could never grow tired of. I smile in return as I race to the couch, and soon you follow me with a light laugh. 

But the moment you pull a blanket over both of us as we curl up on the couch is the moment it hits again. You're incredibly kind and caring, you're the gentlest lover I could dream of, and what am I? Not much more than a trainwreck. I have too many bad days, I can barely save face without cynicism, I lose energy and even simple motivation too quickly. I'm nowhere near graceful like you are. I'm worthless next to you, how could I ever have deserved someone like you? 

Instinct hits, too fast for me to intervene. I turn away from you and bury my face in my hands. I can't take these thoughts- you're far out of my league- I'm only a burden to you- I love you, but I shouldn't be this attached to you- 

You're there. Your warmth presses against me. I don't have the heart to refuse. You take me into your arms again, cradling me as though to protect me. 

I don't deserve- 

"Karina," the way you whisper my name is a calming breeze. "Karina, love, it's okay." 

You know what's happened in my wretched head. The thoughts don't go away, but your voice soothes me. 

"I don't deserve you," is all I can manage. 

But you shake your head. "You don't have to deserve anything. I'm here for you, Karinka, no matter what. What we have together, I wouldn't want with anyone else. Weak moments and all." 

More tears fall as I cling onto you. Your words resonate. You love me just as I am, you'll stay with me even on my worst days (as you have so many times), you're here and you'll stay. 

You're here and you'll stay. 

Maybe that's all I need right now. 

The thoughts wrestle with your comfort, but are at last drowned out. A new voice akin to birdsong plays in my head. It's akin to yours, the voice I love hearing most. It's taken a moment for your words, your embrace to sink in, but it has. I've done it, and you've always known I could do it. 

Even if this strange inner peace doesn't last forever, it's here now, in the now that feels like a blissful eternity. 

I love you so much. I'm here for you too.