Journal

5/2/21 ~ 2:12pm

When I finally found out what it was I was happy. I can't really explain it, I thought it would be something that made me sad or make me freak out, but it didn't. Ever since I was little they were always leaving. Dad working during the day and mom worked during the night. Eventually they were both working during the day. It was hard, watching them leave thinking each day they would never come back.

And now the issue is clear. All the times I cried when my parents left, when I would hide under my bed after the divorce because I didn't want to leave my moms house. For all the times I spent with other people and afterwards became depressed or anxious because I thought they would leave forever. An issue I never acknowledged because I thought it was childish and would cause others to worry and force themselves to stay.

I'm afraid of people leaving, abandoning me. One day I could be crying and furious and the next I could be completely numb accepting that one day I may not have certain people in my life because they find someone more suitable, more fun, more put together. I'm so hard on myself and believe that I'm so bad and such a spaz that when the next person that comes along that has all their puzzle pieces together that the people I truly care about will leave me.

So many recent attacks I've been sitting on my head letting the thoughts take over;

"You're a horrible person."

"You're not pretty enough."

"They're all going to leave you for better people."

So I just cut myself off completely. I shut my mind and body off and push it don't so that I don't have to share these thoughts. Cause if I do they'll all leave for better people. Any physical touch during this feels almost like a bell is going off wherever someone touches as if to say, "hey! Ask for help, tell them, be honest it will help!" But, I ignore it because I believe it's not the right time or place, or I'm scared that I'll be shot down like before by others.

I've gotten somewhat better at sharing things and asking for help when I need it. However overtime when I start to think I'm getting annoying or too much I don't want to share. Sharing risks a negative reaction. Sharing risks everyone leaving because I'm so broken and unsolved nobody thinks they can help. I could make a list of of the people who have left because of my actions and feelings. But, I rather not, they're gone and I don't ever want to think about them again.

The fear of abandonment, it's so real and clear to me now that I don't know what to do. I know I need to seek help to get better but the motivation isn't there. The American healthcare system has fucked my over and can't provide something that I need. Why should I have to pay for something that could end up being detrimental to myself and partially already is.

It's not just that though, the thought of sharing everything with someone scares me that I might uncover things that I may not wanna know. Traumas I never knew were there but are. I've buried so many things down I couldn't even tell you what parts of my childhood or teen years were like. And now as an adult making new and better memories I don't know if I want to tread back on those memories. Somethings are just better left untouched and forgotten.