Go back and fix it?

A lot of things started to surface during this lockdown. No, not the US-China cold war, but the normal stuff, you know. While we are inside hoping, praying and keeping ourselves sanitized, mother nature had a different plan for herself. Obviously, due to lack of air pollution and clear sky, the Himalayas was seen from many parts of the neighbouring states of India. Good job mother nature! Of course, Himalayas was not the only thing that emerged out of this quarantine life we had lately. Like, all of a sudden, we started missing going to office. We started liking home cooked food and people who never seen gym in their life, started making gym videos. Abhorrence!

I do not know how this lockdown is going on for you guys. But I have developed a tremendous amount of OCD. It is not a new thing for me though, but it is different this time. This unwanted thoughts and unending looping sensations are at peak this time. Like the Himalayas, they also emerged out of nowhere. The unnerving repetitive thoughts of going back and checking things. A sheer sense of examining each and everything that they are in order and in place. Did I sanitize my hands? Did I wash myself after coming from the grocery store? Did I lock the house? Did I switch off the AC? Checking gas stove and regulator number of times, just to make sure everything is okay. These thoughts, petty thoughts, normal ones, insignificant as it sounds. It seems like I want to make things right and I have a constant urge of doing so. Everything should be perfect, shipshape, and neat, no matter how insignificant they are. But I was succumbing to a situation where loop never ends.

Its like a needle stuck on an old record. Like a rabbit wheel, circling in loop. Psychologist says, whenever we have such obsessive thoughts in our minds, we tend to go back and makes thing right and this gives us a relief – a momentary relief. Which is like any addiction. Like we smoke cigarette or puff weed or love somebody despite of the fact (we know) that they are not coming back. But addictions do not need a logical mind, nor does it need reasonings. You do it because you have to it until you get that temporary contentment. Which feels like happiness of a lifetime. And this vicious cycle continues.

Maybe we want to go back for a closure. Maybe we want a closure. We want to know 'whys' more than anything else. So basically, we want an answer – to all those questions that we have in our mind. Till the time we get them we will go back and try to make things right and fix them. Because deep down we know something was not right, something still is not right. Something ended up so abruptly and now we need an ending, be it our version or theirs. That is not what we learn? We know and we were taught that things, people, and stories always have an ending – a good ending, per se. Even Paulo Coelho mentioned in his books.

Is it necessary to have an ending? Why do we need that closure or ending? Somebody said, "there is a thrilling beauty in unfinished arts". But life is not an art. Life is normal, ordinary piece that we are still learning to live each day at a time. I just want to get drunk and smoke pot and do some foot tapping with my friends and have it (life) not be like – this is some HUGE deal – life isn't a huge deal. It is a trick. Yes. Life is a trick that we fall for.

But memories and those obsessive thoughts will never let me pursue that ordinary. You do not get to pick your thoughts or feelings; you only get to start having nightmares aka obsessive thoughts and life unfolds. I know she (Granny) is gone, long gone but something in my body tells me that she is still here, around me, still nurturing me, caring for me and loving me. But the dilemma is - I didn't get to show my part of the love. I did not get to play my role before she gone. Maybe it is that helplessness of not playing the role, not be able to love her back that she deserved, haunting me till date. I can only stop this when I would know that whatever it was, my love was enough for her, that I too loved her back. I just wanted to hear that from her. I just wanted to make sure that it was all right and she got what she deserved. I want to go back in time and fix things. Not letting me play my part is not fair. But then again this is also not fair that I am breaking things apart including all those that came to my life. It says, broken people break people and that is not fair. I want to put an end to all these mayhems. All the chaos in my mind. That is why I go back and forth, in loop to fix things. I am sure some day I will fix that as life unfolds.

So, what have you unfolded in this lockdown! Worth sharing, do that! I would love to hear from you!!!