Dreamnotfound Fluff

Announcement

Hey guys! I have a long announcement today, so if you don't want to listen to me ramble, feel free to skip to the bottom, and I'll give you a TLDR.

I first began writing on Wattpad because I wanted to write Skephalo fanfiction. Those days have long past, and I've already unpublished my Skephalo oneshots book after only two posts. Still, it garnered a couple of hundred of reads, and I was hungry for more.

But nothing happened next, as I didn't go on Wattpad for a long period of time, in which I was mostly just minding my own business and trying to navigate quarantine (which had just begun at this point) without losing my mind. Around this time, Dream had really started to blow up. I subscribed to his channel around April, just after he hit 3M.

At first, I really loved Sapnap's dynamic. He seemed to be pretty cool, and around this time, I was starting to go back on Wattpad, so, naturally, once, in the dead of night just lying in bed, I searched up his name on the Wattpad search bar. Quite a few results came up, and I read a couple of them. One of them that really snagged my attention was an angst fanfiction, and if you don't know this about me yet, I love angst. I love reading it, I love writing it, and I honestly just like to cry a little sometimes. I hope that doesn't sound weird. But anyways, this inspired me to write my own Sapnap fanfiction. It was short, sweet, and absolutely terrible. But, this garnered more reads than my previous Skephalo fanfiction, and soon, I was hooked.

I was hooked on the numbers. The votes, the reads, the comments, the followers. I needed to get more, so naturally, I started another book, How to Mend a Broken Body - And a Broken Heart. The angst part of this story was almost wholly inspired by that previous Sapnap angst fanfiction that I read. As soon as I finished writing this, which, by the way, really sucked, it blew up as well. I loved the numbers, and the dopamine it gave me was addicting.

Around this time, I also began writing the Dream SMP War book. It was almost entirely copied from the actual events, and I didn't put too much effort into making it more realistic, or, at least, the efforts didn't translate and show through. This book blew up as well, and I got even more reads on the Dream SMP War book.

I don't remember exactly what day I began writing this book, but I do know that it was around August. In the middle of the pandemic, writing these fanfictions and then absorbing all the numbers became a distraction from everything else going around me, and I was having a lot of fun. In the background, the pressure and expectations started to slowly build. I didn't notice.

Soon enough, this book blew up. Sometime after starting to write this book, I also began writing Don't Give Up On Me, a book based around mental health issues. This was my first foray into the territory of mental health based writing. This book blew up as usual, and by this point, I was reaching the hundreds in follower count, and writing was starting to become a serious pursuit.

By this time, I began dipping my feet into the world of writing original novels. I wrote The Depth of Your Trust, which was a messy, brain dump of everything I fantasized about, everything that actually happened in my life, with an extra twist of angst and just a bunch of stuff that didn't make sense. This book... didn't blow up. However, this book, my Dreamnotfound Fluff book, was exploding and getting crazy numbers. I continued writing, because I was addicted to watching the read count rise. Before long, I fell into the trap of putting my entire self worth on the number on my followers count. The pressure and expectations continued building. I didn't notice.

Alongside writing this Dreamnotfound Fluff book, I continued writing original novels, and I completed His Broken Promise, and now, I've begun writing To Take Off an Invisibility Cloak. Slowly, writing these oneshots became less of a hobby, and slowly began to become more of a chore, more of a requirement to get my appropriate dose of dopamine. I found myself dragging myself to Google Docs every time I needed to update and searching desperately for new ideas. I was burning out.

In real life, school was continuing like normal. Days came and went, and I arrived in class everyday and did well, just as I was expected. The pressure and expectations continued building. The signs were starting to show. I didn't notice. Every day, I woke up at 6am and spent around an hour and a half writing. On the weekends, I did a little more. Every week, I aimed for 9000 words written. I started keeping a streak of how long I'd been writing in a row. So far, I'm at 58 days. 

This Dreamnotfound Fluff book continued to grow rapidly, exceeding my wildest expectations. It was crazy! The support was, and still is, crazy! But, I can't afford to do it anymore.

For the past week or so, I've been stuck in a depressive episode. I'm not interested in writing, playing ping pong and soccer with my friends at recess, and it's becoming hard to concentrate in class. I feel so tired all the time, even though I get 8-9 hours of sleep every night. I get trapped in circles of overthinking, and the feelings of self-hatred, that had previously been bubbling and waiting underneath the surface, are starting to boil over. I'm just so, so, exhausted, and I just want everything to stop. I can't find any other way to describe it.

I've realized that writing Dreamnotfound, or fanfiction in general, is just not what I'm interested in anymore. Writing this has become a chore, and I believe that writing should be fun and enjoyable. I've started to do it only for the influx of reads and support I get every time I update, and it's just not worth it anymore. I can't do it. I can't continue writing this for anyone other than me.

So, the best thing, I know, is to stop. I want to emphasize that writing this book is not the only reason of my past mental health breakdowns. High school applications are looming around the corner, I'm going through puberty, my relationships aren't doing as well, and I'm just not blessed with as much serotonin as others. This pressure has only just revealed how much of an underlying problem there is, and I'm working to solve it.

Writing Dreamnotfound fanfiction, I've found, is not for me, at least not anymore. And that's okay. It's okay that this is not what I was meant to do.

I have a lot of problems I need to fix. I will admit that. And I need the time to fix these problems. I can't help others if I'm broken as well. So, I'm going to stop. I'll continue writing other stuff on the side, but it'll no longer be a requirement for me.

I hope you can understand. This book and all my other works will remain up as long as I'm on Wattpad, and I'll always be around if you ever want to reach out.

TLDR: Ever since my books blew up, I've been feeling more and more pressure to continue writing fanfiction; I felt a sort of obligation, in a way. This pressure has become overwhelming, and lately, I've been in a depressive episode, and I've realized that the best thing I can do is to step away from writing this book. I'll still be around, but I'll no longer write fanfiction.

Stay safe :)