Loving Rexa

Every time I think about suicide I write a letter.     A letter that my mom can read if she find out   about it. When sun is gone and the night came in, I shut myself inside my room enjoying the darkness as it matches with my thoughts. For the whole night I can't stop thinking about ending my life. No matter what I do, I still feel that Im no good for anyone.

I'm Zicko Alviero, age 21. I stopped studying when I was in third year college. Currently living on my own. I can't stay with mom, she kind of hate how lonely and sad I am.

One time she asked me.

"You know what I think about sad and lonely people like you?"She asked as she pointed me with a bottle of whiskey in her hand. " They're weak,stupid and coward. They're not needed in this world... you're not needed."

I don't talk with my mom anymore.

I can't blame her, she got raped and that's how she had me. Maybe... that's the main reason why she hates me.

Discomfort.

That's what I felt. I felt so much discomfort on knowing how she see things...knowing how she sees me.

Gusto kung taposin ang sarili ko pero takot parin ako. Kaya siguro mas pinili ko nalang na mag-isa, kahit papano ay gusto ko ding umiwas sa mga taong kagaya ni Mom.

I want to protect myself.

Thankfully I got myself a job, a server at a cafe. Kahit papano ay nalilibang ako at nakakaya kung suportahan ang sarili. Mababait ang mga taong katrabaho ko pero hindi sapat yun para magkaroon ako ng kaibigan sa isa sa kanila.

I don't talk much. I'm a quiet person.

Isa sa mga rason kung bakit mahirap para sa akin ang magkaroon ng kaibigan. Cheerful people like them wouldn't stick around with someone like me. That's what I think, and I'm not sure with it.

One day I met a girl and she's so annoying.

Day off ko at nag decide na tumambay sa malapit na public library. Don't get me wrong, Im not a book person. Gusto ko lang makaiwas sa ingay at tanging library lang ang lugar na ganun.

I was sitting and about to check the book that I got when someone suddenly burst out.

"Hoy, need ko kausap." Walang gana at walang galang na saad ng babae. Nakatayo ito sa harap ko at mataray na nakatitig sakin.

Kunot ang noo ko itong tiningnan. Is she talking to me? Wala sa sarili akung napaturo sa sarili. 

"Me?" Maikling tanong ko dito na ikinaikot ng mga mata nito.

May kaliitan ang babae na sa tingin ko ay hangang dibdib ko lang ang tangkad nito kung nakatayo ako. Nagmistulang bestida ang oversized hoodie nito na pinarisan ng white sneakers shoes.

"So stupid." Rinig kung bulong nito na naging dahilan ng masamang titig ko dito.

Banaliwala nito ang titig ko at agad na umupo sa silyang nasa tabi ko.

" Sino pa ba kinakausap ko? Syempre ikaw!" Malakas ang boses na saad nito. Agad akung napalingon sa librarian na ngayun ay mataray nang nakatingin sa amin.

This is a library for goodness sake!

"Shut up." Inis na baling ko sa babae.

"My name is Rexa. Rexa Gasser.How about yours? "Saad nitong walang pakialam sa " Silence please" na nakasulat sa isang board na nakasabit sa dingding.

I can't help but cussed under my breath when I saw the Librarian holding a small chalk board with the word  "Get out."

Dabog na tumayo ako para ibalik ang libro sa pinagkunan ko nito. Mabilis ang hakbang na agad na lumabas ng library.