I Won't Lose You

Worrying and Cold Nights

After the devastating call from Toby, she felt her heart drop. The crash, the glass shattering everywhere… and she actually began to believe things could’ve possible gotten better from here. But no, always something had to happen, something had to shatter her heart right before she could heal. And now she felt like everything was coming back down. She had to go see Toby.

She clenched her phone in her hand, and Mona stopped shortly behind her. Her face was confused, her dark eyes searching Spencer’s pale face. “Spencer?”

But Spencer ran away from Mona, and she ran to her car that was around the corner. Mona yelled at her as Spencer ran shakily to the grey car. “Spencer, what’s wrong?!” Spencer grabbed her eyes from the white pocket of the gown, and she pressed the unlock key. “It’s Toby! There’s been an accident!” She didn’t wait for a response from Mona or the girls or Caleb, she had to get to him.

Her heart was beating against her rib cage like a drummer beating a loud drum. Once she was in her car, she didn’t even know where to go. The hospital? Oh God. She didn’t even know how badly he was hurt… or if he was even still alive…

No, she couldn’t think like this to herself, she had to have hope… that dirty four letter word. She knew he would be okay, he had to be okay… He had to be.

She turned her car on, and she sped away, past Hanna’s car before they could even get her attention. Tears pricked her eyes with the black mascara, and she couldn’t even see straight. Worry was stabbing her gut, and nothing could prepare her for what was to come. She had to stay strong, she had to for him. If he was… if he was gone, even then she has to stay strong.

Toby wouldn’t want her to stop trying for him. He wouldn’t want her to live her life in grief and misery because he was gone. She knew he wouldn’t want her to stay locked up in her room is he wasn’t there to break the door down. He would want her to be happy, even, if it was going to be without him.

But just thinking these thoughts caused her heart to skip a few miserable beats, every light of a passing car, every sound, every feeling just intensified with every wasted second of her not knowing how he was. She tried to remember his touch, the sound of his voice, everything about him that made him her safe place to land. If this was it, if this was how it would be, at least she would have the positive knowing that he loved her. He loved her more than anyone could love another person. And if he died to protect her, he died because he wanted what was best for her… than maybe she could live with that. But she couldn’t live without him… it wasn’t possible… Not after she thought he was dead…

And she was brought back to the sudden old memory of when she had been with him at the Motel. Where she had felt her heart ache for him, where they had made love…

Spencer shifted her weight from her side, to onto her back. Toby held her gently in his arms, her bare stomach was under her warm arm. As she moved, his grip tightened around her gently, as if he was a small child not wanting to let go of their baby blanket. She suddenly remembers how it feels to be loved again. He was here with her, he really was here. He wasn’t gone in a morgue, he wasn’t dead. He was alive. And he was sleeping right next to her.

The relief was suddenly replaced by sudden sadness. It stabbed her in the heart as if someone had spat out the reminder that he easily could’ve been dead. If she possibly kept searching for him, or if Toby had reached out to her by talking to her or contacting her, -A could’ve killed him, for real.

Just knowing that made her breathing quicken. She didn’t ever want to lose him again, not even for a split second. She never wanted him to leave her. It would be too much for her to take. So as she lied here next to Toby in the dead of night, she let a tear fall down her cheek, and her chest rattled. She didn’t want to wake him up, so she turned on her side away from him. His arm stayed around her waist, but he slightly breathed quicker than before.

She kept praying for him not to wake up, let him sleep with her in his arms… but the tears grew hotter and more frequent. “No…” She moaned, and she brought the bed sheet up to her eyes, wiping the tears away from her face. Suddenly, his arm tightened, then slipped away from her. Her heart beats even faster. She already was scared of never feeling his touch again, but she realized he was awake, as the bed shifted as if he were leaning on his arm to look at her. She stopped moving, and for a moment, she stopped crying. Only for a moment.

His arm flew to her side, touching her back gently and lightly. “Spence?” He asks, his voice drained from the previous sleep. She sniffles, mumbling, “Uh-huh.” She hears his voice sigh, and he leans over her, and she turns her body closer to the edge of the bed. He sighs. “Spencer, look at me. Please, turn.” She sighs, before she rolls onto her back. She can’t really see in the dark, but she can read his face from the moon being so bright. His eyes furrow in worry, and his bright blue eyes sink a different shade.
“What’s wrong? Spence… did I hurt you?” He asks, his voice small. She shakes her head, and she looks at the sheet she was clenching between her hands. “No…” She lets out, but her voice stops midway from a sob. He brings his arm around her, his elbow next to her side, his hand pushing her hair away from her face. He stayed above her, reading her face.

“Is this about… me?”

She looks up at him, and she nods, before her forehead pinches from her trying to hold in tears. He slightly moves her closer to him, and he looks at his hand that was next to her face. He can’t say anything, it hurt him too much, and she could tell.

“It’s just…” She begins, and she catches his attention. A moment passes, and she breathes deeply in, and his eyes sadden. His heart aches for hers, he just wants to comfort her, but he doesn’t know exactly how.

“I thought you were dead… I thought… You were gone…” She can’t barley get her words out, but she doesn’t have to say anything else. Toby lies against the headboard, and he lifts her into his arms, her head under his chin. She wraps her arms around him, one arm against his chest, the other buried under that arm. She clenches to him, and the tears roll out easily now.

“Spencer, I’m right here. I’ll always be here, I’m not going anywhere. Not ever.” His words sank into her gently, and she breathes in. He rubs her back soothingly, up and down, and she feels her heart steady.

“I don’t think I could ever live without you.” She admits, her voice a small whisper in the night. He breathes in, and he kisses her forehead. “Me either. But, Spence… if something did happen”-

“No, don’t say that.” She cuts in, her voice desperate. He stops, and he seems to be shocked for a moment, but then he relaxes and he gently pulls the sheets over them, before he lies down, his body slightly leaning up against the front of the headboard, as she gently calms down.

“I just wanted to say… If something did happen, I’d still always love you. It wouldn’t change anything.”
“Toby, don’t”-

“Spencer, I know you don’t want to hear this, but please just listen to me… I just want you to know, I love you. No matter where I am, no matter what, I will still love you. If… I did die…”

She clenches to him tighter, and he stops for a moment, before continuing. “Even if I wasn’t here physically, Spencer, I swear I’d still be here. I’d be right here, my heart would still be with you.”

Spencer breathes in before letting out a shaky breath. “I don’t want to even think about that, Toby…” She stops and she closes her eyes. She lies against him. “But I know what you mean.” She says, before he lightly kisses her forehead, both of them drifting off into deep sleep.

Why was she thinking about this? She had to stop, she couldn’t even think about losing him, she couldn’t then, and couldn’t now, couldn’t possibly ever. She had to see him.