Born to die

For my mommy.

I feel empty. I feel hopeless. I feel like a massive failure. I feel like I'm all alone in this world.
No one cares. No one wants to care because they're fucking afraid of what's hiding under those fancy clothes. They don't want to know what's waiting for them under my long sleeves. They don't know how much pain I wear under my fake smile. I can fake it pretty well, don't you think?
Don't my dimples look cute? Are my lips wearing enough lip gloss? No? Let me fix that.
Are my eyes shiny enough? If you'd watch more carefully you'd see that my eyes aren't shining because I'm happy. Tears are making them so gloomy. Go ahead. Like my gloomy eyes full of life. In reality they're full of worthless sadness. I gave up. I hope it doesn't reflect on my look. I try to comb my hair as good as I can for you. All because I don't want you to get suspicious. I want you to stay in your world of my sweet lies that I'm ok and all happy. I don't want to hurt you, mommy.
You were always so true and caring. You wiped the tears of my cheeks when something made me cry. What an irony. Now you tell me to buy tissues.
What happened to our beautiful relationship, mom?
Did I do something wrong? I surely did. Maybe I was too rude to you. Maybe I shouldn't tell you that you're the worst mother ever when you said I can't go to that party.
Maybe I was acting like a little child. Like a fool. Well I thought you liked me this way. I'm sorry than.
Do you still love me the same? Am I worth trying? I am?
So why are you being so agressive to me? Why are you beating me up every time I do something wrong? Am I so stupid I'm not even worth talking to?
Why are you arguing with father? What has he done to you? Why are you always so loud? I wanna sleep. Please, mother. Can you calm yourself and listen to me once in a while?
I love you. I'm not sure if you love me and I'm sorry if you don't. I guess it just happens.
Please. Hate me. Please. Do your worst. But I have one wish I'd like you to do after I disappear from this society. From this world. Don't you ever dare to miss me. 'Cause this is your fault, mother.
You're always playing classy without realizing how much it hurts my soul. I like the old you. The loving you. The guiltless you.
I loved my mom. Not you, creature.
Go back to wherever you came from and bring me my good old momma back. I love her. I need her.
Don't you know I'm bleeding?
Just look. I can't do this too long. I need help.
I guess this is caused by me. You appeared when I stopped checking for monsters and creatures under my bed because I found that they're all living in my head.
Dear mom. I don't know where you are. But I miss you. Can't you come back?
Sincerely.