starting over again

Five Years Too Late

"Sometimes, giving up is better." 

When Noah was a teenager, he once asked his mother why they have to leave his father behind. She had the saddest smile in her face before beaconing her son to sit beside her. That was the day that Noah learned about love, about falling out of love and about heartache. 

The 15 years old noah then promised to his mother that he would never cry because of love, that he would only give his heart to the one who is worthy. 

The twenty five years old Noah thought about that day, ten years ago, as he stood in the empty study room, a brown envelope in his hand. He thought about his mother's reaction, how she laughed calling him foolish, telling him that love doesn't work that way, then he remembers how his mother cried afterward. 

That would be their last interaction for that the same day, his mother hung herself leaving him alone. 

"Mom, I didn't keep my promise like I ought to do. It looks like we really are the same, like a mother like a son, foolishly giving our heart to someone just to be trampled again and again." Noah mutters himself before taking a deep breath. 

With shaky hands, he put down the brown envelope in a dark wooden table, putting it in the most conspicuous place, at the front of the computer. Lance, with all his mister perfect persona that the people know has a quirk habit of never checking nor opening what is in his home office table if it is not in his own sight.

For five years, that small habit of Lance, Noah put it in his heart, he would see to it that Lance didn't overlook any important documents, always opening all the packages and arranging them based on importance. For five years, Noah thought that because the Lance the Media sees, the unfeeling and cruel businessman is different than the one he sees at home, he thought he is special, now he knows that is all a lie. A big fucking Lie! 

The five year fairytale is all a lie. 

"We might be alike mom but at the same time we are different, I'm braver than you to extricate myself before going too deep to the quagmire where I would never escape." 

Noah step outside the study, taking a quick glance at the office for one last time, noting the blown up wedding photo at the wall that Lance insisted that they should put up amidst his dissatisfaction, he even argued that wedding photos should be put in the bedroom but Lance insisted otherwise saying that he likes looking at the most memorable days of their life. 

Looking back, Noah really wants to return and tear that photo into pieces but he knows that he doesn't have any time, 5 o'clock is approaching, Lance out. If possible, he doesn't want to see his husband again, too afraid of the possible outcomes, either he murders him because of hatred or acts like he knows nothing and be a martyr because of his love, either of the two is not the best possible solution for his problem. 

Some might call him a coward, running away from his problem but for Noah this is the best solution he can find. 

Maybe someday, he would return again and might even face his husband or soon to be ex husband without any ounce of heartache but for now that the wound is still raw and dripping blood, escaping is the best.