I can't breathe (Boyxboy)

Chapter 1

[...Chapter 1...] - I can't breathe

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Pillows are always softest in the morning, when you have to get up. Your quilt is always warm and your body is always perfectly placed on top of the good-smelling sheets. As I was dreaming about my bed, I heard a noise not coming far from me. The noise kept replaying. Its the same noise going off every day at 7 am.

I tilted out of bed, fairly quickly almost tripping over the empty boxes, bottles and wrappers still laying on the floor from the party yesterday. I have a huge hangover and apparently I slept naked. I don't mind, since I am by myself, but still it would be nice to know why. I've come to the realisation that when you are having big parties almost every weekend, and always end up flat drunk on your bum, stuff like this happens.

Ever since I left home I've had a "drinking problem", as my mates call it. I partially agree. I do endeed enjoy drinking, but only because its the only thing that releases the pain in my chest.

Walking through the appartment I realise why I am never home. Everything is everywhere. Bottles lying underneath tables, tables lying underneath chairs and chairs stacked on top of each other. I made my way to the balcony and lit a cigarette; Another bad habbit of mine.

I exhaled a steam of smoke and felt the easing in my chest again. I am not stupid; I know smoking and drinking your brains out isn't good for your health. Somehow however it is the only thing that doens't make me feel like I am drowning.

-

I threw on my work clothes and headed out the door. I biked along the pavement and made my way through the ally full of rats, cockroaches and hookers starring at my behind. I don't care. I don't mind them looking, I know how I look, that is what happens after many years off pharmaceuticals.

I parked my bike and walked in the narrow glass door. I instantly smelled the old books, floors and women, now starring at me. I smiled og preseeded walking along the long shelfs of storys about white whales and love ending because of a misunderstanding.

I've always liked reading. I enjoy the thought of living in a fairytale amongst werewovles and dangerously-attractive vampires.

"Hey bud" Cal said, giving me a smirk. Cal is a very pleasent guy. He was the one that got me this job in the first place, when I first moved here about half a year ago. "Morning" I said, smiling back and raising my hand in a friendly gesture.

I walked behind the counter and started working. As you may have understood by now, I work at a library, in the middle of town. I use my work hours smiling at every old woman I see and beeping out books for loan.

I realize I haven't proberly introduced myself yet, so lets play a game. I see an item and if it reminds me of me, I will tell you a fact. Let's get started.

I see a woman. Nicely dressed, her red hair tied up in a bun and her hands delicately placed between a purple purse and an old book. I have dark brown hair that I also can tie up in a bun. Not one as big, but still its pretty sexy. I've before had a buzz cut, but I got tired of it and it didn't hide my face that well.

Walking past the woman I see a guy. Well dressed, fairly big in muscles and has a fragrance still lingering in the air an hour later after he passed. I like the smell, it tickles my nostrils. I am a small guy. I've always been small but my self-medicating did not help the matter. I am always well dressed. Unless your are at my parties, cause apparently I end up naked. I mostly wear jeans and a hoodie, which I would consider nice. And very comfy. I like being comfy.

Lastly I see two guys. They are sitting besides each other in the corner of the library. They are aproximately 16-17 years of age. They think they are discrete when in reality, I can see them holding hands under the table. I feel a bit sad. It brings back memories of my past. They are laughing, hoping no one is seeing them eyeing each other. Their legs are touching and I can see everytime they touch one of them shudder. I am gay.

-

After a long work day I make my way home. Biking through the narrow ally, through the puddles of the crying weather and through the stream of rats hiding under everything stable.

Entering my apartment, I lock the door. You never know who will enter your door when you live in a neighborhood like this. As I undress I make my way to the bathroom. My boxers slip off and I step in the shower. I feel a sense of accomplishment standing here. Feeling the hot water make the room steamy and wet. I have succeded yet another day without drifting into an ocean of feelings.

I have not cried today. I have not been wanting to run to the nearest drug store. The water now turned cold and I can feel the goosebumps creeping on my skin. I don't care. I just don't care.

My head is feeling fuzzy as I lay it down on my pillow. Maybe its the glass of wine I just drunk or its the lack of sleep I've been getting. None of which is going to get stopped.

I've always been wanting to have a stable life, but you can't always get what you want. I know that now.

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I just realized that I get very nevous, when people are going to judge my work.

Please tell me my mistakes and if you enjoyed.