I remember

.

this is really personal but i needed to share with someone cause i cant keep it in anymore, please dont feel pitty or say im sorry, i dont know how to react to that

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I remember

I remember every single thing

I remember how desperate I felt for affection

I remember letting you get into my bed

I remember you getting closer

I remember letting you

I remember when you started touchIng me

and how I tried to tell myself It was fine

after all, It was affection

I remember when I noticed It wasn't Innocent touching anymore

and how bad I felt for It

I remember when you started goIng under my shirt

and when you started going down

I remember the burning feeling of your fingertips

and how they seemed to burn my soul and set my skin on fIre

and when I asked you what you were doing

you said "nothing, what the fuck are YOU doing"

I remember you stopped for a little

only to start again even closer

I remember gettIng up scared

I remember brushing my teeth wIth you by my side

I was afraid you might touch me again

I remember going to sleep

I remember waking up and never wishing I dId

I remember when my mom asked what happened the night before

and why you were In my bed

I remember my dad threatening you over false accusatIons

they weren't false after all

I remember when you disappeared for months

the person I trusted most had traumatized me and left me all alone

I remember feeling so afraid of anyone asking what happened

and everytime they mentioned your name I got a little biIt tinier

I remember when you came back and acted lIke It was nothing

I missed you but I was so scared of you

I remember thinking It was my fault

I stIll think It Is

I remember feeling guilty for being scared of you so I pretended It was nothing

you dIdn't even seem to remember so why was it such a big deal for me?

I remember developing repulse to any men's touch

I couldn't even let my dad touch me

I remember becoming so small

almost liIke I wasn't there

but I was

I feel the need to protect you

after all you were also young

I was so young

I need to protect you because you're not a bad person

you just did a bad thIng

I remember how I needed protection

and how I would let anyone do anything because I couldn't lose anyone anymore

i just need people to love me and not leave anymore

I remember going back to that moment every time you looked Into my eyes

I try to brush It off and act liIke It Isn't there

people can't fiInd out It was you

you're so niIce and sweet to everyone

It could never be you

you scare me

and I can't help It

I try to

I swear I do

I just can't

but I still have to pretend

and go day by day wiIth that feeling drowning me a little biIt more

and you stIll by my siIde making sure I never forget

Sometimes I think It would be better to be depressed over being alone than being depressed over being scared

but If I was alone

who would stop me

I need someone

anyone

and If you're the person that I have

I guess I'm fine with that