REMINDER
how long has it been? since you saved me.
this was the exact spot it happened; you saving me. i got caught up in everything. studying, relationships, the expectations from everyone. i just couldn’t take it anymore so I chose to escape. everything was dark, a haze, as if I was trapped underwater. i had a rope ready and i knew exactly what i was going to do.
Then you appeared. Perhaps you noticed me slowly becoming more and more detached from people. Perhaps you saw that I was cracking under the pressure. And perhaps you saw my eyes. My lonely, cold, dark eyes slowly becoming devoid of colour. And one day you followed me, which admittedly was creepy, but you saved me. I was tying the rope to the roof, then you came. You came running into my apartment, sweat dripping all over.
“Wait”, you yelled. “I won’t tell you what you’re doing is wrong”, you said. “And I won’t tell you to stop if you choose to continue”, you said. “But listen to me. Please” you said. And I listened. You told me about how you noticed me start to be more conservative. Not that I was that open before but I had my few acquaintances and friends I’d talk to. Then the pressure hit me and I started blocking everyone out. Eventually there was no one left. And you told me that’s fine. You told me about how you noticed me slowly breaking down. As if a wall by the sea, slowly being chipped away. And you told me that’s fine. You told me about how you noticed my eyes. The eyes of someone distressed, the eyes of someone wounded. The eyes of someone that was hurt. And was still hurting. And you told me that’s fine.
I felt happy. I felt bitter. I felt relieved. I felt anguished. I felt so many things. Then I realised. I felt something. How long has it been - since I actually felt something. Then I realised my world was starting to lighten up again. The haze was clearing, the ocean, draining. And you were smiling. We became friends. You helped me get better. You helped me improve myself and slowly, but surely, you helped me find my smile as well.
then it happened. you were on your way to my place. you started coming by my place frequently to make the both of us dinner and we’d unwind after a long day but there was no unwinding that night to be done. i was still at the karaoke with my classmates that you helped me befriend. then i got a call; from you. “hello?” the man over the phone said. the sound of ambulance sirens blared in the back over the phone. i knew something was amiss and i didn’t need to hear anymore of what the man said. screw hanging out with classmates at karaoke. i grabbed my things and immediately rushed to the only hospital in the area. i asked for you at the receptionist table. you were in the intensive care unit and your chances.. basically zero. and there wasn’t going to be some miracle. those weren’t made for us. some drunk bastard was speeding and you were.. unfortunate. if only i had been with you. perhaps we would’ve taken just a few seconds longer at the store looking at things. perhaps we would’ve gotten everything we needed just a few seconds earlier. perhaps we wouldn’t have went to my place in the first place. perhaps we would’ve just gone to a fast food restaurant for dinner. it was all my fault. after all you’ve done for me i abandoned you. i went out with some classmates who probably don’t even care about me collectively as much as you do.
but wait. why was i the first to be called. i asked the receptionist and he told me i was the only contact saved in your phone’s contact list. then i realised. you weren’t some saint who had it everything they wanted. you weren’t some genius who had it all figured out. you were just as broken as me. you never had anyone to eat with during breaks. you never had anyone to talk to in the morning. i thought you never had to worry about a thing but clearly i was wrong. you were just another person who was as broken as me. you saw another person who was fracturing and it might’ve been to much to handle for them so you reached out and lent them a hand. you were just as miserable as i was but you just never showed it. not obviously anyway. You didn’t just notice my miserable eyes. You recognised them, because you had them too.
and i’m so so sorry to let you down but i just don’t know if i can take this. i took out the rope from all that time ago. same spot. i was going to join you. i reached up to the ceiling and tied the rope to the slightly looser wooden plank. structurally sound but loose enough to tie a rope around. i got up. then crack. the ceiling board had fallen off, with it a piece of paper.
it read: Nice try. I knew that if you were going to try again you’d do it here. So I changed the ceiling board into a really cheap one so it’d break. I don’t know what happened for you to want to do this but I’m assuming I’m not there. And you know? That’s fine. I don’t always have to be there but just remember to stay strong, alright? If I’m well.. not here anymore, read the other side please. I did as told and started reading the other side. Well so I’m dead huh. I’m assuming that the cat’s out of the bag and you realised now that I was just as broken as you were. Well you know what they say, broken pieces stick together. In any case I hope that you know that the time I spent with you was the best in the world. And I wouldn’t change a thing about it if I could. It’s just a shame that I probably had so many things I wanted to do. Skydive, open my own cafe, travel all around the world. Hey, I’ve got an idea! If you really don’t have a reason to live for yourself. Why don’t you try living for me? Help me live the life I’ve never lived, and never will. Please? If nothing works out then I won’t stop you, I mean well I really can’t stop you but you know what I mean. Take my word for it, I doubt you’d regret living on. It’s the little things like those certain nights when you look out of your window and realise that wow it’s beautiful that makes everything worth it and just for a few minutes you get to bask in the peace and quiet and it helps you to keep going. So just try, alright? I can’t promise that everything will go on well right from the start, but I do believe that you can do well if you hold on. So do hold on please, and please hold on tight. Love, your one and only.
That night, tears were shed. Some of sorrow for the fact that you will never be beside me anymore. And some of joy for all the memories we had and always will have. Some of regret for not doing more for you. And some of gratitude for what you’ve done for me. That night I cried oh and I cried so much, but one thing I didn’t do that night was let go. I held on. I held on to the pain, and made it my power. I held on to the grief, and made it my motivation. I held on to the memories, and made them my reminder. My reminder that I can’t, and I won’t give up yet. Not when I haven’t don’t everything you wanted to do. And perhaps then, I will find my own will, my own purpose but for now, I’ll hold on to what you gave me. And I’ll hold on to it so tight it’ll never slip away. A sudden gust of wind shook me to my senses. I could feel your loving embrace engulf me, warming me up. Could it be that you have not left me? I turned around… gone. Gone were the good times we had. Gone were the loving memories of you and me. All that's left, was a soul that once loved you.
