haikyuu one-shot collection

𝚜𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝙰𝚔𝚊𝚊𝚜𝚑𝚒, 𝙱𝚘𝚔𝚞𝙰𝚔𝚊 🥀 🖤

Dear Bokuto,

If you read this it means that you're still alive and that I was wrong. If you do, I'm really sorry for what I did. I want to apologize for everything I did. I didn't want that fight to happen. I didn't want you to run away. I didn't want to just let you leave. I didn't want you to never come back. I didn't want to never hear from you again. I didn't want to let you believe I left forever. But yet, it all happened and it was all my fault. I have thought a lot about everything in the last few years and I am truly sorry for everything that has happened. I wish I could turn back time to change everything or just to see you smile on last time. I really miss you and my life without you has no sense.

This is the reason why I'm leaving. I can't live without you by my side nor with the thought of you not existing anymore. Because at the end of the day, it is all my fault and I will never be able to live with that guilt. I hope you'll forgive me one day, either alive or in heaven, if a place like that even exists, because one thing I know for sure is that you belong there. You are the kindest person I've ever met and I refuse to believe that I ever deserved you.

You now either have a great life without me or don't live at all, also because of me. All in all, you are better without me and that's why I'm finally leaving this place. I know that I should have left earlier but I was scared. I didn't want to leave although I knew I had to.

And that was the reason why I faked my own death. Everybody including you thought I was dead and it was better that way. It still is. Yet, some things happened that I didn't expect to happen.

One, you showed up at my funeral.
Why? The only thing I ever did was hurt you so why did you feel the need to show up? It only made me feel worse.

Two, you cried. A lot.
Again, why? I didn't deserve your tears and I never will. You were supposed to hate me and feel happy that I was dead, yet, you didn't. You still cried and for a moment I wanted to comfort you. But if I did, you would have known that it was all fake and I couldn't let that happen under any circumstances. I needed you to let me go and I really hope you did.

Three, you forgave me.
I heard your speech at my funeral. You said that you didn't care what I did. You said that you forgave me and that you still loved me. I don't understand why you did it. You were supposed to move on from me and not forgive me. But I guess that's just how you are, full of surprises.

Four, you killed yourself because of me.
I don't know if you actually did it, if yes, I am sorry. I planned that you would forget about me and move on. You deserved to be happy without me. But you didn't move on. Everything would have been easier if you did. Why did you need to be so forgiving and kind? If you weren't, you would still be alive and I wouldn't need to carry even more guilt with myself.

However, none of this is your fault. It is mine and I need to face what I did. I need to stop running away from everything. Maybe if I realized that earlier, you would still be here. Not with me, I wouldn't have left you after everything that happened but here on this planet. You would still smile, laugh and be happy. Just without me and that would be fine because I never deserved you in the first place.

Please see this letter as an apology and my way to show regret. You may not read this but I needed to get this off my chest. I don't expect you to forgive me although you probably would, I just want you to accept my apology. I know it doesn't make up for everything but please just consider it.

Sincerely, Akaashi

I sighed before I put the letter inside the metal box, Bokuto once gifted me. I put it next to the place where they would find my body. All I needed to do now was light the match and let the flames engulf my body. This time for real.