Breathe

Part 1

Ughhh, I'm not looking forward to this I thought to myself as I lay in my bed thinking about going back to school tomorrow. I used to love school, but now I hate it.

Unlike in the stories, nothing strange or terrible happened to make me hate it, I just do. I think it's the people. I don't really like being around people. I always feel so out of place. This made my anxiety pretty bad when it came to even thinking about stepping foot into my school. I stare at my phone and wait. I don't even know exactly what I'm waiting for. I just want someone to distract me from the tears that are slowly developing in my eyes.
I feel so confused and annoyed at myself for crying over something so little like going to school. I wish I knew what was wrong with me and why I was so paranoid, but I don't and it only frustrates me more sending my tears into overdrive. I wish I knew where the feeling of complete emptiness and pain was coming from. But I don't. And I don't know what to do besides cry. I have absolutely no one I could talk to. Especially not at this hour. Even if I did, I wouldn't know how to develop my jumbled thoughts into words that could make sense to another human being.  What would I say? "Hi umm I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I'm drenched in tears and was hoping for a bit of advice." That even sounds stupid in my head. I'm pretty sure it would sound even more pitiful out loud transferring from one person to another. If only I could be not so me and be more ... normal. Seriously, what soon to be junior do you know lies in the bed and cries because they're dreading school.

My heart hurts. My head hurts physically from all of the crying, but my heart feels way too heavy.  I wish it would just go away. I wish I could just go away so I wouldn't have to feel this pain. This pain that accumulated for no reason at all. It's so frustrating. Stop crying I tell myself. If only it worked. My face burns from all of the tears.

I decide to drag myself into the bathroom and wash my face. The tears keep falling, but my face doesn't sting as bad. I just stand there. And finally they stop. I stare at the mirror and eventually find myself walking back to my bed. I climb in and resume staring at the ceiling.

When my emotions finally decide to calm themselves, I put my phone down and ironically, it vibrates. I pull down my notification bar and it's a message that reads "goodnight sexy." I reply with a simple "night" and turn my phone off just as I always do before I go to sleep. I lay there and stare at the ceiling until my eyes get heavy. And before I know it, I'm off to sleep.