This Never Happened (Olympus Drive Chronicles)

Part 4 - Okay I'll tell you what happened but do not do this at home

So I'll tell you about the boar, all right?  But you have to promise not to try this at home. I'm okay with telling you, because if you actually wind up close enough to a boar to attempt to kill it with your bare hands, then you're probably gonna die anyway so having one more trick up your sleeve won't hurt. Seriously. Boars are mean fuckers. Do not mess with them. Why do I feel okay telling you about this and not the lion? Well, because lions are predators. They don't know humans are different than zebra  (or whatever the fuck lions eat, I don't know okay?), they're just being lions that eat things. They're dumb animals and I honestly don't agree with hunting them unless it's necessary (like if one is eating people, and if it is, then yeah I feel okay if I died fulfilling it's dream of eating a white sexist stupid bastard who was trying to kill it with a bat).

Boars on the other hand? The fuckers are evil. Evil. They kill because they enjoy it. How do I know they enjoy it? I don't but they wouldn't be as chaotic and evil as they are if they weren't enjoying themselves. They're pigs and they could eat truffles and plants and shit but no they'd rather evolve into huge ass hairy beasts that have no right being that big and ugly.

Do I sound biased? Yeah. I fucking am. Anyway. On with the boar hunt.

I was happy when I found out I was not expected to go alone. Okay, well the people who thought this up probably expected me to go alone. But.

"That's the letter of the law, not the spirit, all it says is, and I quote 'let's have Hugh kill that boar that's been wandering into town scaring people. Yeah that'd be good for him. Yeah then he'll think twice about murdering people and causing problems'," Luna reads it off from a very official looking crumpled, stained piece of notebook paper.

"Okay, so he just has to kill it, we'll help him find it, he's never gonna be able to do that on his own," Juno has so much confidence in me. It's great. No seriously, I'm glad she's realistic. 

"No, I will not. Can I borrow a gun?" I ask, hopefully.

We are assembled in the lodge, getting ready to go on the hunt. Luna had spare winter-camo boots and coats and snow pants, as well as snow shoes, so we all look like so many rebels on Hoth, except with a distressing lack of laser guns and swords. We is Luna, myself, Juno, twelve fierce butch lesbians (what? That is exactly what they were), and one other dude (Grant) who is related somehow and was apparently sent to make sure the girls aren't helping me too much but he's not very committed to that he seems rather accustomed to just hanging with them.

"Do you know where in the skull you need to shoot it?" Grant asks me, raising his eyebrows like he thinks I'd more likely shoot myself in the foot. He's about my height, annoyingly handsome and well muscled, with short dark hair, quick eyes, and endearingly broken glasses which are fixed with duct tape. He fiddles with them and pushes them up his nose when he's nervous, or rubs the short stubble on his chin. Like I said, distractingly good looking.  I did not need that. I was comfortable surrounded by the lesbians and Juno who I'm busy being distracted by with her light eyes and smile that she tries to hide behind her short fingers.

"No, that is not something I know. But I assume I could google it?" I say, hopefully.

"Fair enough," like I said Grant isn't overly concerned with whatever his role is supposed to be.

"Negative, we're not allowed to arm him with anything but a knife or a bludgeon, something about him doing enough damage on his own," Luna says.

"What'd you do?" Grant asks, amused.

"Couple of things," I mutter.

"He beat up an entire crack house that his brother was in," Luna supplies, "Dara put it on the 'Team Braincell' group chat did you not watch it?"