Why? | TodoBaku

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This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide or self-harm.

It's been two years since you left me. It still fucking hurts. I still can't get over you. I still can't move on. Every day, I'm just reminded that you're not here with me anymore. I know you're gone, but I still look for you. I still call out your name like you'll answer me and walk out from behind a corner if I do. Sometimes, I hear your voice, I think you're there. I look for you again, thinking that...maybe this time, you'll come back to me. But it's all just a lie. You're not coming back. I just can't make myself believe it. Even after two years, I can't believe it.

I thought I understood you. We did everything together. We were engaged, goddammit... I was supposed to marry you. You were supposed to marry me. We were supposed to intertwine our futures as family. I thought you acted weird when I proposed to you. You seemed more surprised than happy through everything we said that night. But...I realize why.

Every single night, I look through my pictures of you. I watch all of the videos I have of you. I just want to hear your voice, even if it makes me fucking cry. Remembering everything we were and knowing it's all gone, I just... I sob. I look at your pictures two years after you left, and I still sob. It breaks me. It hurts so fucking much... By morning, I still feel the awful sting, and it never goes away. Yet I keep scrolling through my photos of you. I want to think you'll jump out of the screen and hug me, telling me it's okay. I want to think you'll give me the answers I keep searching endlessly for. I want to think that seeing and hearing is believing, and if I see and hear you, you'll come home tomorrow.

I miss waking up in bed with you. I miss drinking coffee in the morning with you. I miss bickering about what to make for lunch with you. I miss cleaning this house with you. I miss sitting on the couch, pressed right up against your side. I miss how you'd hug me out of the blue, and we'd just silently hug for a good ten minutes. I miss falling asleep with you. I fucking miss you.

Sometimes I forget how you really died. I push it away. I don't want that to be the damn truth. I bury it. I dissociate from the horrible truth that I can't change. I'll think you've just gone missing, and one day, you'll knock on the door, waiting for me to open it. Maybe you'll surprise me when I'm going to bed, and you'll be right there. Maybe when I wake up, you'll be cuddled up against my back. Maybe you'll suddenly hug me from behind, and there, we can just hug like we used to.

You were so perfect. So beautiful. So damn handsome. I couldn't believe I was with you. It was too good to be true. I loved you with all my fucking heart, and you told me the same. It was too perfect...

No matter what I do, I can't get you out of my head. Once I realize I've distracted myself, I remember you again. God, it hurts! I see you wherever I go. You're always by my side, looking over me. That's just what I want to believe, and maybe my imagination will let my desires become the truth. The more you hug me, the further from reality I fall. But you just keep coming back again and again. I can't say no. I can't escape. I just want to melt into your arms and let you take me to where you are.

That's what I'm gonna do. I thought things were getting better, and I thought I was starting to get over you, but hell was I wrong. Getting out of bed feels like an accomplishment. It hurts so damn much that I can't do anything. I want to dream about you. I want to believe I'll wake up to you. I want to look at all my photos and videos of you, even if I have every goddamn detail of them all memorized. I don't want to do anything else anymore.

Bakugou reached up to the noose dangling over his head and slipped his head through.

"Why did you leave me like this? Why did I come home to find you like I'll soon be? Why did I never realize what was going on beneath the surface? Why? Why... Pull me away from this world, this pain, and this reality with your arms around my neck. When I see you again, will you tell me why?"

Hug me, and don't you dare let go, Shouto.