𝐓𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 - 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐞 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐭

𝐇𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝

3 weeks later

"Are you Cold?" I ask her once I see her shiver slightly. She shakes her head no but I know she is cold but she doesn't want me to move.

I jog over to the closet as quick as possible and grab a woll blanket tucking her under it carefully.

"You don't have to do this Arwen. I'm perfectly fine, the nurses are friendly you don't need to stay every night and day." She says weakly and I shoot her a look.

"But what would you do without me? It would get really boring." I tell her trying to joke but it's so forced that even I cringe afterwards.

"You shouldn't have come back." She says and looks at the ceiling a sad look on her face.

"How can you say that in your condition mom?" I accuse her my eyes stinging.
I felt this anger inside of me for three weeks now and it only just become worse over the time.

Anger at Dawson and Tarver for keeping this a secret.
Angry at moms body to let the cancer spread through her body and mostly angry at fate that it's taking such a beautiful soul from us.

Okay no, I think mostly I'm angry at myself. I did what I always wanted and then I just couldn't.
I couldn't perform that day the words wouldn't come out of me.

I let my band hanging at the most important time we ever had. I know they're not angry at me but they should be.
It's totally unprofessional and mostly I feel guilt of how I treated them all after.

The eyes are placed on us waiting, anticipating.
That's probably the best feeling of the whole performance.
Your body tenses up waiting for you to begin while your eyes search the crowd seeing their excited faces.

It's your fuel, the crackling of tension in the air, your band mates beside you and when Kyle starts to tap his sticks together you know it's all gonna be worth it.

This time is different.
My stomach feels like it's been turned over, my hands are clammy and my breath is shallow.

It feels like every time I let the air into my lungs it burns my flesh off from the inside.
My eyes look frantically at the crowd while I try to hear when Kyle lets his sticks collide but it feels like I'm underwater.

I can't hear anything.
I'm numb there's no life in me anymore.
Until I feel Lola place her hand on my shoulder.
I'm still not fully aware but it's the contact that makes me let go off the mic and run off the stage.

At the most important moment of our life.
I don't know where I run but I pass blue, red and black colored things but I don't concentrate on them.

My mind is running like a mad man circling the thoughts so they never stop.

Mom is ill again.
She's not going to recover, she's going to die.
My safe haven my biggest supporter, the human that gave life to me as a gift is going to disappear.

She's going to leave the earth like she never was on it and no one told me about it.

No one told me that I would never be able to crawl into her bed at heated nights to let her tell me a story.

No one told me she would never be able to brush my hair after I showered.

No one told me she was going to be ripped out of my grip the second I got her back.

And while she was ill I wasn't at her side.
I was away traveling the countries for a stupid contest.
Worrying about what I feel for a stupid boy that would never be as important like my mom is.