Honey, the Kids Stole the Invisibility Cloak and I'm Scared

A/N: Guys, I can explain. I was texting a good friend of mine who we'll call MilkTwist (a.k.a. her account name over on AO3) and somehow, some way, we spiraled down a forever rabbit hole that turned into this.

Please send help, our brains didn't function for almost a week after we wrote this.

Also Harry Potter isn't mine, yada yada, give your kudos and respect to MilkTwist because she came up with, like, 90% of the jokes in here and she's a billion times better in humor than I'll ever be :D

Uh try to read this I guess

Harry Potter was worried. That's all I can say, to be fair. Oh, were you wanting a description? Okay then: His palms were sweating, as well as every other part of his body. He paced back and forth, again and again, never letting up his pace and he was sure he would burn a hole in the shape of his path. Hermione would be home soon and he lost the kids again . But it was worse this time. Whereas other times they would simply hide, he had forgotten to lock the chest containing his Invisibility Cloak. He was screwed .

Okay, okay. Maybe she won't be too mad. Maybe she won't notice. Maybe she'll be happy; two fewer kids to worry about, right?

Then he heard something at the door. Keys . The click he heard next sent pure dread and fear through his system, and he broke out into a cold sweat. Oh, God. The dictator was home. Why? Why did she do this to him? Why did he agree to be a stay-at-home dad? A house husband? He guessed it was in the contract of marriage and having two destructive balls of energy that flew around the house (a.k.a. the flesh adopted demons eating away at their funding), flinging objects left and right like little recessive offspring tornadoes.

And suddenly, the door opened. His heart instantaneously halted. His breath caught uncomfortably in his (manly) chest and yet he found himself breathing heavily. His wife stepped in, dressed in Ministry apparel with her bushy brown locks pulled back into a thick, semi-low ponytail with her curls spilling down her back and cascading over her shoulders. She walked inside and hung her leather purse on a nearby coat hanger, as well as her Ministry robe.

"Harry!" She exclaimed as she always did, and ran up to peck him on the lips. Harry tensed and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her.

Oh God, oh God, oh God...

"Are you okay?" She asked, pressing her hand to his forehead. "You're sweating buckets," Harry found himself unable to answer, but it turned out that he didn't need to, for after Hermione looked around, she glanced back at him, her demeanor swiftly altered into something far more monstrous as she said in a dangerously low voice, "Harry, where are the kids?"

This was it. This was the confrontation that petrified him for the past 20 minutes. He gulped, swallowing the saliva he didn't have, as his body began to wiggle and jiggle viciously and he looked everywhere but his wife's flaming eyes. Slowly, carefully, he built his voice back up, and with a final burst of bravery, breathed in and told her the truth:

"Honey, the kids stole the Invisibility Cloak."

It was then that Hermione went absolutely bonkers. " WHAT?!" She screeched. " How in the world do you let your children steal your Invisibility Cloak of all things?!"

"I forgot to lock it!" said Harry.

"You have one bloody job , Harry: Keep your children in check!"

"Well at least Rosie is still okay," He replied, gesturing over to his one-year-old daughter sitting innocently in her playpen, making her stuffed black dog bounce around. Her short auburn hair, messy as always, held a cute navy blue headband in it with a little white rose on the side. She looked up at them, her cinnamon eyes that matched her mother's shining brightly.