I'm Just Tired.

Hating yourself

TW - ED, Self harm, Self-Hatred

I think what people don't realise about hating yourself is that you could have a really good day. You could've had the best day of your life, spending the whole time laughing and smiling with your friends or your family or random people you met that day and may never see again, but the hating yourself bit doesn't go away. It could be birthday, it could be Christmas, it could be your bloody wedding day - but the voices don't go away. They're just muffled for a bit. They're not as loud. They're just put into a little box, and kind of compressed until you're on your own. 

They're like those snakes you get in a can of fake baked beans that spring out at you and your friend screams "PRANKEEDD" and you just kind of sit there with toy snakes on your lap. They can come out at any time, they're unpredictable. And what makes it worse is that once they come out, they're louder than ever. They've been compressed in that tiny little baked bean can for a few hours so you forget how loud they are, how much they screech in your ear and make you jump. 

The voices get louder once you accept it. Once you realise that maybe it's worth it being sad, and you shouldn't get better. Because if you're just gonna end up being worse off than you started, what's the point of having fun? What's the point of being happy in the first place? 

That's when the voices really get to you. That's when you only start feeling pretty when you're skinny. That's when you start overthinking. That's when the words other people say get to you.

You know what words I'm talking about. The ones that people say as jokes. They really sting. If I get called stupid or boring or told to shut up about something that I care about because nobody cares I think I'm going to burst out crying. 

I've already started scratching my hands until they bleed to cope, so what's another show