𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

how did i get back here?
how did i go back to depression
and sorrow all because i
made the right choice?
i let him go because i could not
love him the way he deserved to
be loved.
i could not get attached just to leave.
i could not force a smile every time
i was walking next to him because
i was thinking of a year earlier
when my heart had belonged to you.
i could not allow myself to
pretend to love him and blame my
falling out of love on the fact
that i was graduating
when it was really because i had never
fallen in love in the first place.
i couldn't watch him spend
his evenings thinking of me and what
a great match we would be.
i couldn't let him give me everything
when i gave him nothing.
but i was close.
i was close to forgetting you
and your poetic lines and the way it
felt looking into those windows
and seeing you sitting there in serene
peace.
i almost let myself fall in love
with someone who meant a fraction
of what you did.
i wish it wasn't this way.
i wish it had been you and i and that we
were the ones singing along to
love songs and riding down sunset roads
on the cold january evenings
and the late and humid june nights.
but it's you and her.
it's you and the girl you fell for to
replace me in the first place.
but even that's a lie.
i would have done anything for you
and i wish i could forget that.
i wish i could move on and ignore this
past pang in my heart.
but i can't.
and i pity him who loves me while i
am drowning in a memory of you.

originally written on: january 28th, 2021
published on: may 17th, 2021