Random Thoughts

Jealousy

As a teenager I always thought that I wasn't a jealous person. My sister could have asked me for anything and I'd give it without much thought. Had she asked for my health I would have given it in the blink of an eye.

That's what really shaped me at the time. That is who I was.

It wasn't until after my first break up that I really understood what that word meant.
One of my closest friends left school in a rush because she needed to get home quickly. I wasn't in a rush and therefore waited for another friend to walk to the station with her.
All three of us had walked to the same station and so I saw the friend that had left earlier, happily chatting to my ex-boyfriend .
That's when jealousy hit me like a minivan. The break up had been very recent, so I was fuming.

It wasn't because I thought she was interested in him, aiming to be his next girlfriend. Not at all. I knew they were only friends.
It was simply the fact that he was talking to her, acknowledging her. While he was ignoring me, treating me like a ghost.
I could hardly contain the jealous rage I felt, standing in the tram driving away from them. I was almost afraid that someone would see steam coming from my head.
I didn't know what else to do, so I texted my friend. Of course, she felt terrible and immediately explained the situation to me.
It took a while for me to calm down again and once I did, I felt really bad for my friend. None of it was her fault.

You see, the three of us had been friends and I never expected of her to choose sides. He may have broken up with me, but I was never angry at him because of it. He was a sweet boy with an almost too kind heart.
I may have felt my heart painfully skip a beat almost every day for a year and I may have cried myself to sleep plenty of times, but I also felt relief. I felt relieved because a small part of me had always been painfully aware that I could not see myself living the life he wanted. And that I'd have lived it anyway.

I was glad, because he gave me the freedom to choose my own life. But in reality he gave me so much more than that.

A/N:
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