Alright so lately I’ve been thinking seriously about love and crushes and the bullshit of relationship desires, of course I have them and surpirsingly more now than I ever had in my life. I understand the lurching and undying urge for having another but I also understand all too well , though without any form of relationship experience at all, the other half of the general love excursion. I’ve learnt SO MUCH in my years of watching on the side-lines with my inexperience that the thought deters me. I’m the prude friend. I don’t really mind though, being the friend in the group that’s never had a boyfriend, never kissed a boy, the one who hasn’t done anything remotely suggestive or sexual to cause excitement in the daily gossip. I haven’t even hugged a boy for a long period of time for it to be classified as a romantic embrace but to the real point that I can’t seem to properly grasp is why?
Why put yourself through it? Yes, it’s all fun and games while you’re in the relationship revelling in your budding romance but is it worth it? Once the relationship ends its floods of tears, people become shells of themselves losing all hope of happiness. My whole life I’ve sat watch everyone I care about have their high, you know that love high when it doesn’t matter if your day wasn’t going so well but when you come home you’ll stay up all night talking to that person who brings you the greatest joy in the world; then a crash and burn and open wounds set in because he lied to you or cheated or lost interest.
For instance my sister, (I love her so much) when she got her first boyfriend when she was 15, it was ok. I didn’t like him, he was a bit too gangster for my liking but she was happy so I learned to tolerate him. They had a nice relationship for about nine months then he started getting more involved in drugs, he was always that way though, smoking weed or cigarettes, but my sister helped him stop. Around that time was when he started losing interest, they never used to see each other as much, he rarely answered he messages, overall she was in pain but she loved him so she persisted until she couldn’t. One night she was just done with him and they broke up, never in my life had I seen my sister so broken. She wasn’t even that broken when our grandmothers died, I felt so helpless and because we have such an amazing relationship, she came to me for comfort, comfort I couldn’t conjure to give to her. How could a 13 year old comfort someone over their first heartbreak? That Christmas was glooming seeing that their break up was in November, everything was fine until I opened one of my presents, it was the new one direction cd with all the songs and bonus tracks. We rushed to our room to play it and we played it for the whole day learnt nearly all the words until the last track, “Half a Heart” played. My sister lied in bed reminiscing until she burst into tears, all could do was hug her and say it would be alright. Worse was when he got a new girlfriend, we were keeping tabs on his activity since the breakup so we knew instantly. It was in the middle of the night, my sister shook me awake sobbing he got a new girlfriend repeatedly. Again I was rendered useless, I felt so useless the one thing she needed me for I couldn’t even do that, I couldn’t empathize or sympathize. Eventually mom heard her sobs and helped her calm do and to a degree get over him even though now two years later we dare not say his name without warning she’s over it, took a year to heal but I’m assuming it the name itself that probably causes discomfort .
What is the point of telling my sisters dead romance story? To find out why put yourself through it? Love with all your heart to be destroyed with wounds that may never heal?
When I said I’ve seen it happen to everyone I’m not exaggerating, a horrendous heartbreak that is. Story no. 2, we were having a discussion at lunch, (I’m going to put fake names for them so you won’t get confused when reading and I won’t sell out identities) one of my friends, Bree, had this guy that really liked her, so he said, and she had liked him back of course, but when we were discussing it almost everyone was set to believe that he was just playing with her. In the end she started crying, Tasha revealed that the same boy asked her to be his girlfriend less than two weeks before. My best friend, Kaia ,was 100% set on saying that this guy was just toying with Bree and gave a long speech, “ Don’t listen to him, boy will say anything to get into your head, it may sound like he’s really into it but he’s probably lying,” by the end another girl in the discussion, Trin, noticed something and pointed it out, “ Kaia are you crying,” , she denied then turned around and hugged me sobbing, the time before that Kaia and I were just looking over that balcony in school and she started tearing up. She said you know when u wants to be with someone but you just can’t after a breakup but you still love them. I couldn’t say yes so I did what always do and say I can imagine. We hugged and this time I knew what to do because it had happened before. With another friend, Maia with the boy that she liked, went to a movie together, at that point they were both say “I love you” but still weren’t official, they kissed in the movie and it seemed like everything was going perfect until a week later he went back for his ex. Maia didn’t see it coming, she thought it was only a matter of time before he asked her to be his girlfriend but much to her disappointment. Luckily for her he came back admitting fault on a large scale, Maia wasn’t stupid so she didn’t believe it and after months and months of him trying to win her back it was a success, they’re still together now. Yes that story ended happily but that period in between when she felt like hell wasn’t so happy, I can bet my stars that she regretted everything that happened in the movie. Another day, one of the bubbliest girls in my class, Nichole, came to school in tears, her boyfriend of eight months broke up with her and he did it during exam week so if you looked across in Nichole’s seat you could see her stop writing to sob over her exam paper, for a while she was never the same level of bubbly and if you looked it her eyes you could see she was just faking it.
Things like this have been going on since I was 13 and it’s not fun watching people break down. Over the years I acquired a fear, a phobia you could say, at first I thought it was philophobia, the fear of love but after much contemplation I realized I’m afraid of being hurt. I’ve seen it happen to the point where I don’t want a reality where I get hurt. I know myself, I love too hard and too much that if I get destroyed in that way where a Band-Aid can fix I fear I’ll be sacrificing my mental stability. So I ask again, is it worth months of joy for years of torture?
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
That’s my first release of expression, I hope you enjoyed I’ve been meaning to put this up since Valentine’s Day but c’est la vie, it’s here now
If you think it’s a waste of time – COMMENT
If you think it makes sense – COMMENT
If you like it or want to give encouragement – VOTE
Bye J <3
YOU ARE READING
Thoughts have power.
Non-FictionThis isn't a story. There are no OTP couples No characters to fuel your fictional fantasies No climax No action This is more like a journal, where I down my opinions and views . This is my window of expression when I can't talk or when i shouldn't o...
