What am I to you? // Corpse Husband

12. Worry

Sunday 19.55pm

Today was a healthy day. We both got up relatively early and went to the gym to work out for a while. Then he hit the pool before grabbing a smoothie, well... she needs her Bobba Tea, she's addicted! Ha!

During the day, I think about him. He always is in the back of my mind.

Tonight, I'm making sushi, vegan for me, not so vegan for her. I always send her pics of my food and she always complains to live too far.

After rolling the nori, I end up with excess ingredients. She picks a bit of omelette and says to me, before gulping it.

"And then... you eat!"

"Haha! I'm sorry. I know you're hungry."

"It's fine. I'm just impatient." She says with a cute grin.

After cutting them carefully and plating them, we just gob them standing in the kitchen with a glass of wine.

"Have you heard from him?"

"No."

"Did you text him?" I look up, feeling like I am just repeating myself.

"He won't text back."

"How do you know? Are you not texting him so that, if he doesn't answer, you won't feel disappointed?"

"No, I'm not texting him so he doesn't feel obliged to text me back and to change who he is for me."

"Maybe he's okay to change for you."

"Then he can text me."

"Maybe he doesn't want to bother you."

"He knows how I feel. He never bothers me."

"Maybe..."

"That's enough 'maybes'." I plead. "I'll see him tomorrow so it's fine. I don't need to think about it."

"Okay. I was just trying to help."

"I appreciate. I swear I do but he's not like any other guys. I need to be patient and leave him space to breathe."

"You say that, but he was there in a split second when I told him you had a panic attack."

"I said he needs space, I didn't say he didn't care."

"Fair point."

"Anyway... Vegan ice cream?"

"Oh do you have coconut sorbet?"

"Of course I do!"

Finishing to binge on Jujutsu Kaisen, while sharing ice cream, I appreciate the last evening I am spending with her. I wish we lived closer, I really do. I literally have no friends here and maybe that's why I clawed onto him so quickly.

I see myself as being pretty sociable but I never invest myself. It's probably because I don't like to share my back story as I know I am still grieving and I will start crying, making a fool of myself, making people feel sorry for my life.

Maybe it's because I am scared they will find out I am weird. I have anxiety, panic attacks. I like stuff that maybe people my age shouldn't like. I can be obsessive, not in a creepy relationship way, more in my interests.

Maybe it's because I feel that I don't deserve the attention. I'm so hard on myself and I don't dare sharing these feelings with her because I know I will get a beating. She loves me and often says 'I wished you could see what I see.' I feel that. I do, but she's my best friend, she would say that.

However, when he looks at me... I feel that he sees what she sees and more. His eyes on me make me feel invincible and safe, worth it.

God I really like him. Do I like him too much? It's too early to have this kind of feeling for someone, right! Especially someone who needs space.

"Ice cream!" She says her hand hanging, taking me out of this conversation with myself.

"Sorry." I pass it to her.

"Oh! Here's your man!" I suddenly feel exhilaration at her words looking at my phone on the coffee table. Why would I think I got a message from him? And then I see Sukuna on my TV screen. Oh that man... my 2D man! Haha! I'm an idiot.

Seeing the disappointment on my face, as I peaked at my phone, she laughs.

"Just text him!"

"No."

"You're such a child. Sometimes I wonder who is older."

"Oh you know who's older! The one who used to buy you booze when u were under twenty one!"

"Ah... memories..."

"Here's your man."

"GOJO BABYYYY!"

The evening ends way too early in the morning. Next day, we wake up when we feel like waking up, which ends up being pretty late. I make crepes and after a shower, I take her to the airport.

It's so hard to let her go again and after a tight squeeze, I release her so she doesn't miss her flight.

"You call me when you get there okay?"

"Yes mama!"

"Haha! Look after yourself."

"I will. Look after your man."

"Which one?!" I ask laughing.

"The real one!"

"I will."

"And stop overthinking things. You're a catch and he knows he's lucky you care so much about him."

"Aaarrrgh I love you so much!"

"Love you too." She says sending me a flying kiss and pulling her suitcase as she walks away.

Standing there for a while, I wait until she has disappeared through the doors.

I feel empty now. I already miss her. What time is it? Damn! I'm so tired, I just want to go back to bed but I have a couple of patients to see after I grab some lunch...

I'm not hungry with all the pancakes I just had. I won't bother with lunch.

The afternoon goes quickly but not quickly enough as I count the hours before I go to his place.

It's just past 6.30pm when I get into my car, excited at the thought to see him and spend some time with him. I mean I'm happy with whatever he wants to give me but I really want to be close to him right now.

Viv messages me that she is now home safely and slept most of the trip. I'm jealous.

I call him from my car, but he doesn't answer his phone. He's probably busy playing, or recording. I'll just drive there. I know my way in. Although... is it still okay for me to just barge into his place? As friends I guess it was fine, but now... I'll call him again once I'm there.

The traffic is a little heavy but it's the end of rush hour so it's to be expected.

Once parked, I call again. No answer. What should I do?

I can hear Viv says 'don't overthink!' So I'm just gonna be my usual self and go to his place as I would have before.

In front of the door, I think for a moment. I unlock it and open to a dark apartment, switching the living area light on. He's not there. I'm starting to worry now. He knew I was coming after work tonight. He would have called if something came up. I walk through his apartment, checking if he is unconscious on the floor or hurt or paralysed. That would be a reason why he wouldn't call, but I find no one. What if he's paralysed somewhere out, with no help, he's gonna freak out. My heart is racing at the thought of his possible state, and I switch all the lights off, before locking his door behind me. I go to the underground car park in case he's stuck there but his car is not there either.

Shit. What the fuck? I run to my car and decide to drive around his neighbourhood in the hope to find his car. Trying desperately to reach him, my heart sinks when I finally hear him answer his phone.

"Hello?"