Levi x Reader///Melancholy

she'll always love food

y/n

freaks slowed

I stirred the soup around my bowl around,  looking at the mushy contents that danced away from the spoon. 

"Oi! Are you going to eat that?" a brown haired girl asked with drool running from her mouth as she eyed my soup. 

I pushed Sasha my bowl and looked away before I could watch her disgustingly gobble it down. As much as she annoyed me, it was kind of nice to know that no matter how different this world becomes - Sasha will always love food. 

I leaned my face into the palm of my hand as I looked at a random wooden wall in the candle-lit dining hall. Chatter came from all directions - filling the air.

"So Y/N, where are you going to recruit to?" Armin, a blonde boy with a terrible bowl-cut asked. 

I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess the Scouts." 

The sound of a cup hitting the table with force caught my attention. I looked over at Eren who looked back at me with a strange look in his green eyes. I brought my eyebrows together in a confused look, why was he looking at me?

"Uh yes?" I asked him. 

"If you join the Scouts you will be actually fighting for something. Not like the other cowards who are too scared to fight titans," he spat at the table across from ours. 

I think his comment was more of a jab at Jean (a typical guy with not a logical thought in his brain). I rolled my eyes at the fight I knew was about to happen. Removing myself from the table, I left the dining hall and walked into the cold, starry night. 

After creating some distance between myself and the rowdy building, I took a deep breathe in and out. Fresh air filling me and cooling me down. I looked beyond me. 

The reason why I wanted to join the Scouts was to avenge my family, but now I am having my doubts about my vengeance.  It's been five years, my sister would be seven years old. If things were normal then my mother would be in the kitchen cooking our favorite stew, dad would be coming home from work with a smile that hid his tiredness, and my sister would be doing whatever seven years old like to do. 

Maybe we would talk about the silly crush she had on the boy who lived down the street. Or perhaps she would tell me how she thought the girl she saw at the market made her blush. I imagined that we would talk for hours, I would listen to her seven year old problems and she would listen to my 21 year old problems. 

But none of that will ever happen. I will never see her again. I will never see my parents again. I said that I would die to protect them.  If that was the case they why am I alive and they are dead? 

I tsked at myself and shut my eyes, thinking that would get the memories out of my head. 

"You missed quite the fight," Reiner, a nice and coolheaded boy surprised me from the darkness. 

"I'm sure I did," I said sarcastically.  

"Did Y/N just make a joke?" Reiner teased.

I rolled my eyes and began to walk away from the useless conversation, "I really can't get a moment of quietness."  

"Hey it was just a joke!" he light-heartedly called out.

I rolled my eyes. If I wanted to talk to somebody, I would talk. But I don't. I don't want to establish any new relationships. Who I was friends with and how many people I talked to was the last thing on my mind. 

What I constantly thought instead was the meaning of life. The meaning of my life. How much good could I bring into this world? Could I make sure that other people's sisters and brothers and parents could live in a safe space? Why am I still alive anyways? What kind of reward do I get for keeping myself alive? 

Maybe that's why I'm joining the Scouts. I know the possibility of dying is higher if I put my life out in the hands of my ability to kill titans. I'll probably live an unnecessary amounts of years if I went to the Military Police Regiment. 

I yawned at the thought of the future. My eyelids got heavier than they usually were. I figured I would go to bed, knowing I would wake up eventually from my nightmares. 

I stood at the top of fifty meter high wall. I looked over at the rest of the land within the walls. I was never really curious what was beyond these walls but since Armin talked on and on about the ocean and other wonders, I was now curious. But then another part of me  didn't want to see anything new because that would mean I would be moving on without my family. 

"I'm glad you joined," Eren brought me out of my trance. 

I nodded my head, barely acknowledging his comment. I was just annoyed that I was stuck with Sasha. I looked over at the girl who stole a piece of meat. Things will never change with her huh? 

After checking my last canon, I looked over at Eren ready to tell him that our job was done. But when he looked at me a flash of green and a familiar boom shocked me. The force of the reappearing Colossal Titan sent all of us flying off the wall. 

I managed to grab onto the side of the wall with my gear, but I stood still in the moment. All the memories of the red hand grabbing the wall, the screaming, my family's dead bodies flooded into my mind. I looked over at Eren who was screaming words but I couldn't hear him over my own anger at the huge, ugly monster that showed up in front of us. 

Eren and I started our attack on the Colossal Titan. 

a/n holy fuck i'm so tired. ok that's it. also i love freaks <3