Hold On, I Still Need You (Cordell Walker)

You Locked Yourself in the Bathroom

tw: suicide attempt, ptsd, panic attacks, mildly graffic war flashbacks

set: pre-season 1 - one month after cordell’s exit from the marine corps

category: gen

word count: 8,430

notes: I had the idea for this series at the beginning of the last hiatus, but it took me a hot minute to actually get this first part done. A million thanks to Trekkiehood for all of her help. From spending an hour in the middle of the night helping me figure out a timeline, to requesting what ended up being one of my favorite scenes, to reading and giving me feedback as I went, she’s definitely the only reason this is being published when and as it is. 

    “Cordell has never been like this. Why… why all of a sudden?” 

   “Abby, he did two tours in three years. Just because he doesn’t talk about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.”

    “But what happened? What isn’t he telling us? Hoyt?”

    A hesitation, then a sigh. “Even if I felt right about tellin’ ya, I wouldn’t know where to start.”

    The conversation continued, but Cordell pressed his eyes closed and desperately tried to drown it out. 

    The events of the past several hours were already making a terrible loop inside his head. His family’s two cents on it really wasn’t helping. 

    “What happened over there, happened over there,” Hoyt was saying now. “It’s what happened today that we need to focus on. Emma Grace, ya think you can fill us in a little?”

    He didn’t have to see to know Hoyt was rubbing Emily’s shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. 

    The reminder of the devastated state she was currently in made Cordell sick to his stomach. 

    Emily’s sigh was tremblingly amused. “Hoyt, my name is not…”

    “It is now, Darlin.”

    She sighed again, but without the amusement. In his mind’s eye, Cordell could see her leaning on Hoyt’s shoulder, using all of her strength to piece together the nightmare that had been that night.

    “Something was wrong when he got home from turning in his police application, but he wouldn’t tell me what.”

    “You okay, Babe?”

    Cordell looked up from his plate, forcing himself to meet the concerned eyes of his bride and fabricating a smile. 

    “I’m fine, Hon. Great, actually. How could I not be with a vision like you in front of me?”

    She smiled softly at the compliment, but didn’t allow it to distract her. “You’ve barely touched your food.”

    He looked back down, eyes finding a chicken and potato meal with maybe five bites missing. “Have I? Just got lost in thought, I guess.”

    “Cordell,” she sighed. “Babe. Level with me. Something’s on your mind, and I wanna know.”

    “It’s just the application.” Maybe if he gave her some kind of an answer, she’d be satisfied. “I really wanna get this right.”

Upon getting out of the Marines, he’d been on paid leave for a month and a half. He’d used the time to first finally marry Emily, and then to attempt to get used to civilian and married life at the same time.