where do you think you're going (dean winchester)

1996 (part 2)

fandom: supernatural
tw: self harm, child abuse mention, depression
category: gen
summary: after sam tells bobby about john's abuse and dean's cutting, bobby struggles to show Dean he's not alone.
word count: 5,592

Dean finished installing the new pan, but was forced to leave the other two repairs for later as John came storming back from another few drinks and ordered him and his brother into the car. 

    When he did, Dean asked quietly, “We got a hunt?”

    “I got a hunt. I don’t need you and your habits slowing me down.” 

It was the only response needed to confirm what Dean had predicted to Sam earlier, and with it, John passed out in the passenger’s seat and the teen set them en route to Singer Salvage Yard. 

The plus to John being blackout drunk was that the trip wasn’t consumed by more screaming, or even silent seething. The father slept, and the older son pushed back his panic and self-loathing to try to make the drive as pleasant as possible for the younger son.

Sam usually passed road trips studying or reading these days, so Dean taped one of his quiz sheets to the edge of the dashboard and ran answers with him for an hour or so. Then, since he’d spent a large amount of his time since childhood reading police reports and press releases in search of jobs, Sam questioned him for another two hours about the legal system and how it worked. 

Finally, however, with the sun well below the horizon and the moon rising in its place, Sammy fell asleep as well. 

That was when ignoring the events of the past day really got hard. 

Dean turned on his music, low to ensure he didn’t disturb his family, and stared pointedly through the windshield, desperately trying to empty his mind of anything but melody and rhythm and lyrics.

How could he be so stupid? How could he let everything he’d hidden for so long come out so quickly? 

This couldn’t be real. It had to all just be a terrible, terrible nightmare. 

But he was aching too thoroughly from his father’s beating for that to be possible.

At least it seemed like he’d gotten Sammy’s mind off of it. 

Off of that fact that his big brother was a freak who hurt himself for fun.

What was wrong with him?

When you did it for so long, it became normal. You numbed yourself to it. It was just a part of who you were.

It took someone else finding out to remind you how psychotic it really was.

This wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time that really mattered. 

Only a month or so after he’d started, a teacher had seen as he handed in his work. He hadn’t reacted at the time, and when he’d asked Dean to stay after class, he’d assumed it was for not doing his homework or failing to make up the test he’d missed while on a hunt with his father. Maybe he’d seen the beer in his backpack. All things he’d been in trouble for a million times before. 

The real reason was so much worse than any of that.

He’d been so calm about it, so gentle and understanding and… quiet. Perching on the edge of a desk just like Dean was… something a lot of teachers regularly scolded him for doing… and simply asking questions.

Real questions. Not John what is wrong with you, who taught you this is okay, how did you get so screwed up questions. 

Genuine, concerned, help me understand questions. Despite how Dean had attempted to lie, he’d managed to get some real answers out of him in a round-about way. Eventually, he walked him to his counselor’s office, and an hour later, they’d called John. Except John hadn’t picked up. John never picked up. The Winchesters left the city a week of unsuccessful attempts to get a hold of him later.