Silver blades and bleeding wrists

I wake up every morning wishing I never existed, wishing that I didnt have to carry all this weight on my shoulders and putting on my fake smile so that no one suspects the truth. The truth that inside im really dying, that I hurt so deep nothing will ever make me happy anymore. I fight to get through the day and come home completly exhausted and the only comfort is the cool metal against my skin as the warm blood drips down my wrist. I am completly and utterly broken nothing can mend me, no one will ever love me, I have no friends. after all who would want to be friends with a suicidal, hopeless pataoe like me? I am just a waste of space and would anyone really care if I disapeared?

Monday morning, and another sleepless night, great! Time to put my "happy face" on and pretend like everything will be alright. I decide to wear my grey hoodie and a pair of blue jeans. Put my hair in a pony tail and pack my bag. I'm out the door at quarter to 8 and head for the bus stop. as if monday mornings wernt bad enough it was the fall and its getting cold and rainy like seriously there hasnt been a day were it hasnt rained! Erg anyway i make it to the bus stop just in time, the bus comes to a stop and so i prepare to climb into the bus by putting my headphones in to block out the rest of the world just for a little while.

One seat left i hurry up and sit down before anyone else can take it. Of course i can feel everyone starring at me. I'm the strange girl thats always out of place and has no friends so while everyone is talking I have my music on and maybe a little to loud because I keep on getting strange looks from people and ya most people arnt used to my tast of music (Pierce the veil, Sleeping with sirens, Of mice and men, Mayday parade... etc...) so the "screamo" that everyone can hear is not the kind of music other typical teenage girls tend to listen to im not a fan of justin beiber or one direction and other crap like that. meaningless lyrics just to get money, dont even care for the fans. seriously how often do you hear a justin beiber fan saying your music saved my life? ya like never! what most people dont understand is that music is my escPe from reality! where I feel safer and the monsters in my head dont have as much power over me! but like I was about to explain that to a bunch of high schoolers! ha ya right! no instead I avoid eye contactand mind my own buisness and try not to think about all the people secretly judgeing me behing my back!

Finally we get to school! I rush off the bus and head directly to my locker grab my things go to the washroom and hide there until the bell rings. Yes my morning routine. Isnt it lovely? well its better than seeing everyone hanging out with their friends ad me being all alome while they make fun of me.. ya been there done that, never again!!!!

The bell rings, we have 5 minutes to get to class. I wait 3 minutes so that the halls are cleared a bit then I dash and head straight for first periode, geography. My least favourite class of all. Thankfully this teacher doesnt care if we listen to music during class so thank god! I put my headphones back in and tune out everybody around me. at the end of class we get our tests back, im pretty smart but I can never get good enough marks! I get called oh god! I stand up, walk over to my teachers desk, grab the paper out of mr. streed's hand, walk back to my desk and sit down. Alright the moment of truth! i take a deep breath and flip it over, an 89% damn I failed!!!! I knew I could have done so much better than that! why didnt I just try a little harder?! like seriously why!?

People keep asking what I got on th test so I tell them and they tell me they all got on average a 70% except this one girl in my class who got a 98%! Why didnt I just wotk harder I could have gotten the best mark not the second best! Shes always gotta have a better average than me! "Alright sam pull it togetger calm down this is a terrible way to start the morning I know but hang in there! everything will be alright when you get home! youll feel better!" I tell myself that as I casually gently touch my forearm thats covered by my sleeve of my grey sweatshirt.

Alright I made it through first periode now off to second. I have to monuever through the halls across the school to mrs. youngs english class. she is my least favourite teacher, such a know it all and loves to tell us random facts. So as I fall behind a group of freshmans in the halls and try my best to be as quiet as possible so that they dont notice me. I make it to the class and swiftly pull the chair away from my desk and sit down. I'm right at the front of course I am my teachers all know about my depression ever since my last suicide attempt a few months ago all the teachers were asked to keep an eye on me and make sure kids wernt picking on me and whatnot. apperently only mrs. young actually listened becayse before I was at the back and she couldnt see me. more kids enter the class. The bell rings. the conversations of the students around me quiet and mrs. young stands up and begins some lecture on shakespere. I could hear the kids around me laughing because one of the main characters just commit suicide. They actually had the odacity to laugh at a dead person! that just made me so mad but I containd myself just foccused on my breathing and tried to settle down. mrs. young tells everybody to settle down and she starts on a not so great topic "suicide". great! now shes talking about the fact that about 157,000 youths between the ages of 10 and 24 commit suicide each year. and how dentist have the highest suicide rate because their jobs are sooo stressful.

The room starts to blur, my palms are sweating, and my heart starts racing. I can feel some of the people around me notice as I tense up. it gets harder to breath. I start shaking my leg to try and calm myself. I cant foccuse on anything everything seems so far away yet so up in my person space I cant breath. I cant take it anymore i get up and leave the class I sprint to the washrooms and lock myself in a stall. I break down and cry something I would never do in public. my hands shake as I reach for my ipod in my pocket. I gently lift the rubber case revealing my blade that i meant to take out before comming to school, now sorta glad I didnt. I've never cut at school before but theres a first for everytgibg right? just as I grab my blade and am about to use it, I hear foot steps as tge door opens, I hold my breath. "Sam?" a familiar voice, oh fuck its amelia. The last person I wish to be here right now, my best friend. I dont want her to see me like this. mrs. young probably sent her. She doesnt know about me, how could I tell her? this would completly change the way she thinks about me. How im not so amazing, how im not a good leader, how she shouldnt look up to me. oh god ok what am i supposed to do? "I'm in the stall" I tell her. "are you alright? because ypu just got up and left. thats not like you". oh im sorry I was just having a really big panic attack and had to come break down in private. "oh well i umm had to go to the bathroom" I told her, what a lie. I hear her walking cliser to the stall im in. I swear my heart is racing now more than ever, my hand sweating, I hope she doesnt notice how fast im speaking and how im getting impatient or the way my voice keeps cracking. "so umm ok ill tell mrs young you just had to umm pee then." she said unconvinced as to thats truly why I ran away, I have to make this a little more convincing! "well I mean it was an emergency, you know my time of the month.." I explained. "oh ok dont say anything more i undertand. ill see you back in class" and with that she walked out leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I cant stay here what if someone else shows up? I got up looked in the mirror wiped my face tried to hide the fact that I was crying, tried on some diffrent smiles, nothing was really working but I moved my hair so it was half on my face took a deep breath and walked to the office. I asked to call my parents because I said I didnt feel well and within an hour i was out of there. my mom came and picked me up.

The car ride home was awkward. My mom turned off the radio and gave me this really serious look. "how are you feeling?" she asked. "im feeling a little better but my head still hurts quite a bit." I replied. "well when you get home take some advil and take a nap, just try and relax." she seemed really concerned and didnt seem to fully believe my story about me feeling like I was gonna throw up and how I have a massive headache. But she left it at that and continued driving. we turned onto my street and slowed down as we came to our house. "alright I have to go back to work for a bit, ill be home by 4. be good! I love you" my mom said as i was getting out of the car. "ok, byee I will, love you too!" I yell over my shoulder as I walk toward the door of my house. I reach into my back and pull out my house key. Unlock the door, walk in, drop my bag on the floor and run to the bathroom and lock the door. I start crying instantly. the tears blur my vision but I am still able to locate my stash of blades from the cupboard behind all the extra soap bottles.