It was late night and I kept on tossing and turning in my bed or the bed that had been mine since a week. Sleep was no way near to me mainly because I did not take my sleeping pills till now. I bought them once when I went with Sidharth. But the other reason was that this wool texture of my night suit rubbed over my cuts and was itching very badly. I tried to rub and scratch it off but it wasn't going away and now it was burning. I might have just made them bleed. I got off the bed and ran into the washroom taking off my full sleeved shirt in the way. The irritation was increasing every passing moment. I gasped looking at the mess that both of my arms were. Blood was oozing out of the cuts and was rubbed over the entire arm. I touched them and regretted right then. I was standing in just my camisole and an inner upper wear underneath. I did not know what to do. I wanted to give myself the pain and now it was paining me to not just scratch them off. Tears cascaded down my eyes as my every nerve throbbed with the burns that my scratches caused.
I kept on looking at my arms not knowing what to do.
"Nandini." My eyes were almost ready to bulge out of sockets as I got caught.
"What have you done..!?" He was shocked and rushed to me as his gaze never left my injured arms. "Oh God." He was panicked and did not know even to hold my hands or not. "Wait." He said and I stood their quietly. He came back with a first aid and held one of my hands in his delicate hold guiding me into the room. He made me sit on the couch placed in the room and knelt in front of me. The frowns on his forhead and his ragging breaths were very much alarming for me. Why was he so worried for me? What am I to him? This mere question sent a shiver across my bodice.
I winced suddenly as he applied some antibiotic ointment.
"Where were your pain receptors lost when you played this stunt on you ?" He asked suddenly with his voice getting higher. He was angry, as hell. But would I get scared of him ? It is my body I can do anything.
He blew on every cut side by side as he applied that burning fluid. I curled up my toes in my socks and shut my eyes tightly as it pricked every cell of my body.
"It hurts so much." I said and left a shriek as it got unbearable. His eyes turned soft for a while as he saw me struggling.
"You should have thought about everything before taking up some teenage stupid ways." He said loudly and wrapped the bandage over both of my arms.
Me trying to get out of misery was not stupid. At all.
"Don't interfere. It is my life." I said curtly looking away.
"No tell me. Did you receive satisfaction ? Is your pain gone ? Are your parents back? Do you really want them to be proud of you after you harm yourself. " He shouted standing up on his feet. I looked at him with tears in my eyes. Mama papa. They will never come back. "Have these cuts been any help to lessen their memories ?" I was not trying to erase their memories. Never. "If I wouldn't have caught you today you would have gone astray, forgetting them. Removing them from your memories and just remembering your pain. Is your pain above your parents." He wasn't shouting but his words felt like a load over my shoulders. Did I hurt mama papa. "If you keep on doing this Nandini, then you will lose yourself and that pain won't be over even if you kill yourself. There won't be any peace in it. " What can I do? I am hopeless and helpless. He kept on looking at me. His gaze was intense. He observed me carefully and took a deep breath.
"If you actually want to get out of this pain then let me help you. Let me tell you that you are not alone. You have not been left alone in this world. You have a home, people around you who care for you. Don't you want them to smile at you and be happy that at least you are living a life that they couldn't. As much as it hurts you to not have them around, they may feel worse and failed to see you this much broken. Nothing gets alright in a couple of days. Everything takes time. Give this phase a time. It will pass and you will remember your parents with no pain but only love." Papa. He talked so like him and as much as I hate to admit it but I loved him speaking. He spoke so well that it resided into my soul. For the first time I saw him just as a person with a good heart. He wanted to help me ?
