Endings and Beginnings

Chapter 1: Fight or Flight

Song: I bet on losing dogs by Mitski

You know that feeling of everything caving in everything is just slowly suffocating you. Like your world is just crashing in and you can do nothing but watch it happen. You just watch it fall while you sit there silently watching everything you've loved and built up, fall before your feet. That's what I'm feeling right now. His words are falling on deaf ears. I can hear nothing but my own breathing. I'm trying to encourage myself to do something instead of sitting here frozen.

Fight or Flight. It's a funny thing. I'm always so ready, eager, feisty. A fight first, ask questions later type of person. That's what Dean always said. But at this moment when he told me he was in love with someone else for months, everything stopped. My body froze up. No fight in me left. I couldn't do anything. No fighting, just flying away.

My eyes shifted to the floor as my breathing increased. I refused to look into his eyes, knowing I would break in a second. A crack in my armor. I soon felt myself get up and start walking towards somewhere. I looked back for a second to catch his gaze. His eyes met mine. Mines were emotionless as his tried to search for something in them. A desperate attempt.

"Where are you going? Baby, can we talk this out? I'm sorry. I-" I didn't stay to hear the rest. All I heard was the door shutting behind me. I tried collecting myself for a brief moment. Don't cry. Not here. Not now. I'm in a state of shock. My body is moving on autopilot. It is one thing to receive awful news and another to understand that there was truth in the words. I feel myself approaching the truth fastly and head on.

I realized I was still in the hallway of the apartment building. I heard no movement in the apartment. He's not coming after me. I almost allowed myself to be surprised, but then again he gave up on me a long time ago, so it makes sense that he wouldn't fight my exit. I started walking out, keeping the floodgates of my tears at bay.

Flashes of what he said kept coming back to me as the reality set in. "I can't keep holding this off. I want you to know that I'll always love you, but there is someone else who I love."

My head started hurting like it would if I were crying. The blood started rushing to my ears and pressure building in my head started forming a headache. My face felt hot as I stepped outside. Maybe the air would help me and my attempt to fend off my tears. A walk would do me good. Maybe I could walk to a safer place to have my emotional breakdown.

Gust of air finally reached my face. The cool air was relieving, but it made me realize that I felt my jacket inside. I started evaluating myself. I walked out still in my leggings, house shoes, and an oversized sweater. How appropriate. At least I had my phone. I stood outside in the doorway of a corner store down the street. I dialed my first friend, Gabriel. After two rings, he picked up.

"Hello?"

"Did you know?"

Silence reminded me of the throbbing in my head and the blood in my ears. The silence tells me everything I need to know.

"Listen-" I hung up the phone. My breathing picked up even more. I should have known. Who else knew about this? How long did they know? Why didn't they tell me? How long was I the joke? I needed to go somewhere or all these strangers were going to be watching a grown woman cry. I pushed my pride aside and called the one person who I never expected to.

"What's up, buttercup?" I can hear Carter's smile through the phone. His greeting gave me some sort of comfort.

"Can I come over? Something happened," I said, trying to keep my voice steady, but I knew he could hear through it.

"I'll tell the doorman to let you up." His tone was understanding. Not pushing for more details, just letting me know that I'm welcome.

Carter's place was only a thirty minute walk from Dean's and I's shared apartment. As I walked, my feet were aching with each step I took. The conversation just kept replaying in my head. I tried to wrap my mind over it, but my anger soon clouded over. The heartbreak was a slap in the face, but I couldn't allow myself to be sad right now. I just felt anger. The anger was a welcome reprieve from the heartache. But, I think I would rather be numb to it all. I rather feel nothing than something.

Once inside the building, the doorman nodded his head in acknowledgement. Going up the elevator was a welcome change. It feels weird, but it's comforting. I finally made it to Carter's door. He opened the door with a small smile. He walked me to the living room. I sat myself on the couch while he took the arm chair opposite of me. He set both his elbows on his knees, resting his face on his hands.

"Wanna talk about it or not talk about it?" He asked with a deep sigh. I know he saw the look on my face. The emptiness of it. The glossy eyes that were just barely holding back the tears. He already knows something bad happened, it's just up to me to say it or leave it alone.

I didn't want to look at him, knowing I would just cry. I chose to focus on his coffee table noting that he kept the books I gave him for his birthday, along with other knick knacks. It distracts me just enough. I needed to get this off my chest. Get it all out before I truly let it settle in.

"Dean is in love with someone else." I took a deep breath so I could let the words digest now that they have been said out loud. "He's been in love with someone else for months. He said he doesn't know when it all changed, but he said when he met her, it all clicked. Like a puzzle finally getting its missing piece." I'm really trying to collect myself. Holding it together so I could get it all out. "But here's the kicker, I still have a place in his heart, and he hopes that this doesn't break our friendship or affect the rest of our friends." I let out a sarcastic laugh. "Oh not to mention, he's really sorry."

His delivery of those words were so cold, robotic, but sincere and straight to the point. Almost like he rehearsed on various occasions. Maybe he did. "Whatever we had, it's gone. Things are much different now, with her. This kills me. Believe me, it hurts. This hurts me as much as it hurts you. You'll still be special to me." Fucking liar. I was there until he decided when to throw me aside. He wasted my time, my energy, everything. Did I even mean anything to him? What the hell did the last few months mean to him?

I was broken out of my thoughts by the sound of heavy breathing. I looked at Carter. He was seething. Dean and Carter weren't close at all. I was the only mutual standing they had. I knew he had no idea of Dean's new love. That's why I called him.

Carter moved to sit on the couch with me. He pulls me into his side. I can smell his cologne and the faint smell of scotch. It provides comfort. A familiar smell. He fully pulls me into his chest, wrapping me in his arms.

"That asshole. He's unbelievable. I'm going..." The words die on his lips. Leaving his thoughts unfinished.

He started rubbing soothing circles on my back. It was then I decided to let the floodgates break. I didn't feel the tears fall until I felt his shirt. His shirt was wet. I buried my head deeper in his shirt. I feel my breathing picking up as I sobbed fully. Shoulder shaking, chest hurting sobs. My head was beginning to hurt again as I continued crying, but it felt good to let it out. I held on to Carter like he was a life preserver.

I don't know how long Carter let me sob into him, but I know it was long enough for me to ruin his shirt. I made a note to buy him another one. For now, I just stayed there in his chest crying until my sobs turned to whimpers then silence.