About Me (Please Don't Read Its Embarrassing)

How It Began

I have this problem that has been ruining my life ever since I was a child in grade school. I really don't know when it all started it just always been a part of me. Everyone goes through a shy stage when they're young. You know when you're just really nervous about the other kids liking you and you just want to make friends. It's a part of your social development and everyone handles it differently. Well I handled it in one of the worst ways possible. In my mind as a child I thought everyone was better than me and I just wanted them to not hate me, so in order to do that I never talked to them. I avoided them and did everything in my power not to behave stupidly or act how I normally do. I wanted to avoid ridicule and be cool just like everyone else. I didn't realize that I was doing everything wrong. I accomplished the goal of not being bullied or made fun of, but I never made any friends. I was a lonely scared little kid.Because of this I never learned proper social skills and have been living my life in silence.

Now I'm a highschooler getting ready to graduate and am still suffering through the same exact thing. I'm so scared to speak up and be myself in front of others and try to make conversation with them. I'm scared of being humiliated in front of them. I know how irrational this fear is, but I feel completely helpless in stopping it.

It is so fucking difficult goning through each day watching the people around me be happy and laughing while I'm trapped within myself. I have no friends, no one to talk to or hang out with. Every day I spend time alone when everyone else is out having fun. It's always been this way and I'm afraid it always will. I don't know how I can keep going on like this just waiting for myself to change.

Sometimes I just want to give up and put an end to everything, but I can't do that. I can't put my family through such a tragic event even though they haven't helped me or tried to understand what I'm going through. I have to be strong and go on. Even though I feel like it's all pointless.

I hate myself so much for being this way. I have no one to blame, but myself. I really don't know what to do. I just wish I could have someone. Just one person who I can talk to about all the things that are bothering me. Someone who actually cares about me, but I know I'll never find that person. It's just the way it is. The rest of my life is going to be so hard for me.