his star

𝐗𝐈𝐈𝐈

𝐀𝐝𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚

𝚘𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟸𝚝𝚑, 𝟷𝟿𝟿𝟼

I'm surrounded by nothing, but something prevents me from breathing. I'm screaming, hitting around me but nothing helps against the suffocating feeling.

Even though the different parts of my body are moving, my location doesn't change.

There is no floor, no soil which could support me and the top which could help me breathe again seems so far away that I can't even see it.

My hair moves slowly and a few strands cover my eyes which leads to more panic.

No one is here to hear me begging for air and no one is here to save me from drowning.

It feels like eternity and logically I should be dead, but I'm still seeing the never ending blue- green liquid surrounding me and it seems impossible, but more panic rises inside me when there is still no one in sight to rescue me.

The feeling gets worse and worse and before I'm about to drown, my eyes snap open.

"Adhara! Adhara it's all right. It was just a dream."

Pansy's voice is the first thing I hear when I'm about to jump out of bed, tears streaming down my face.

"Hey! Breathe with me, okay?" she is screaming at me when I still can't steady my breathing.

I don't really know what it is that causes this dream, but the pictures are hunting me down in my sleep. An event from my past could be a possible trigger for this dream though.

The first time I've experienced it was two years ago, after I found out about his death.

My father used to be my safe place and when he was around me, I felt like everything was okay. His support and his love brought me light and certainty, but when I heard that he had died, I felt like I was dying too.

My body refused to let me breathe and it was like he was the lung I needed in order to live. He got taken away from me and my body couldn't handle to go on without him.

Grief consumed me and my father wasn't there to tell me that everything is going to be all right. He wasn't there to help me calm down, to help me breathe again, and the panic I felt at this point is the same kind of panic I feel in my dreams now.

Back then, I felt like I was drowning in my tears and it was like I was captured in this bubble without oxygen, causing me to suffocate.

It was the worst I've ever felt and this must be the reason why my subconsciousness lets me relive I over and over again, so I will never forget.

When I'm in my dream, surrounded by water, I should be drowning, but it's more like I'm suffocating, because no water manages to reach the inside of my mouth. It's a mixture of both and maybe that makes it even worse.

"I'm okay, I'm okay." it's a lie, I'm not okay, but I'm able to breathe again and that's what matters.

"No you're not, you're still crying. Was it this dream again?" she is worried and hugs me even tighter than before.

The words won't come out of my mouth and because I don't think that my speaking returns soon, I nod vigorously to at least show her my answer.

I hate it when these pictures are visiting me in my sleep, because no matter how often I experience this particular situation, I never realise that it's not real. Pansy always has to wake me up in order to make it stop and the fact that she sees me loosing myself, sees me crying like a baby, is more uncomfortable than it probably should be.