Bullying

I remember, as a child, having friends. I had parties at home that I have pictures of a couple dozen friends enjoying themselves.

I remember the bullying, and when it started. Third grade. 3 of you, ganging up on the 'fat cow' and beating me up - pushing my books out of my arms, making me afraid. I would walk over a mile out of my way to try and avoid you. It never worked. Even my mom coming to the school... You just got better at hiding the bullying.

I remember having less friends as I got older. Then, I blamed them for not being 'true friends'. I know better now. It was me. Because of you. I became less trusting. And you have to trust people to have friends.

I remember high school. 1 friend for most of it. Then she discovered boys, and left me behind. I pretended it didn't hurt - being alone. But it did. Having to buy new locks for my locker after you broke them, having to clean the words off the door of it. Never bothering telling anyone. No one cared. It was always my fault. I was fat, I was a nerd, I wasn't athletic. I wasn't fun.

Now I sit here, in my 50's. I'm disabled now. And I have 1 friend to my name. My husband. No one else. I am mentally and emotionally not capable of trusting that anyone really likes me. Too many formative years of being told how worthless and unloveable I am. Too many years of shaking your hands while your other held a knife.

Now I sit here, my husband dying of cancer. And I know I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to look at someone who is friendly and not think 'they only like me for what I can do for them. If I need them, they won't be there'. You can't make friends with that outlook. But I don't know how to change.

I will be alone for the rest of my life. It is my fault for my outlook on people.

And my outlook on people is your fault.

Bully.