Blue & Grey

1.

12/9/21

Here goes another day with an empty inbox with just my mom's grocery list and my sister's important classes notes. No friends message no group chats no reunion just silence. Having a habit of keeping my phone on airplane mode and fully charged never below 80%.. but what's the use even if the phone is ON even if it's just 10% charged what will change ? Will miss some spam calls and ofcourse YouTube giving me random videos notifications.

Funny isn't it. For somone who was popular in her school days people used to fight to sit around with her to no one around her when she needed them the most.

It Wasn't like this before. I used to be happy cheerful talkative specially loved making friends until it all changed all the opposite now. It's not even like one day when I'm laughing genuinely. And suddenly these voices coming back telling me I don't deserve this smile, I shouldn't laugh, I shouldn't talk, they don't want to be friends, stop pushing them to talk to you, they clearly not interested.
I ignored those voices but aren't they true why should I always try and make the first step, why should I always message, why should I always make the first move.
So I stopped... I stopped making friends I stopped laughing I stopped making efforts instead I kept myself busy watching some prank videos then listening to music and doing whatever just to keep myself busy .

Here I stand with no one besides me no one from those 200 contacts saved in my phone to my 300 followers on Instagram. I stand alone. Falling slowly into the never ending darkness. Where no one can hear my cries. Not even my family. It's funny how they don't know I cut myself how I tried multiple times to kill myself how I stopped smiling like I used to be. Maybe they did noticed but they choose to ignore it they thought it's just a phase I'll go through it... will I ? Am I strong enough ?
I don't know.

It just feels empty, numb, I'm tired. I thought talking to somone would feel better but it's just feels like I'm pathetic crying over small things where somewhere out there somone is going through worse. I'm weak not strong like my sisters not smart like them not beautiful like them and absolutely not active like them. I can't even catch a train without asking somone if this train will go my station. Pathetic, Emotional, Sensitive, Negative these are the best words to describe myself.

Not being able to sleep till 5 in the morning, not being able to concentrate even if I want to.. I got confused and on top of that I'm a big coward I can just give myself some cut marks but can't slit it through my skin and just end it all for forever. Stoping myself thinking they will be sad if I do anything to myself they will broke down but what about me where am I what should I do? Silence. Those voices inside me never answered for these questions.

-late night diaries.